Mommies and their Babies, Dating, Sex

Sometimes I wonder what the heck the purpose is of this life and if I am just frittering mine away.

I'd like to think that there are multiple purposes, that no one is better than another.

That there is choice in direction and value in all purposes.

Having a husband and kids does not make you whole.

That can even be more of a difficult situation.

But society values that.

Or is that just in my crazy head?

My friend M told me tonight that she is now pregnant.

I knew two years ago when I was in her wedding that was likely one of the last times I would see her.

Because married people typically don't have time or interest in single people.

That's just how it is.

I'm still challenged to find my own community.

And I need to start working on my bucket list.

Because when I die, I want to have had experiences and not regrets.

But I need to figure out how to do this stuff alone, to find someone to do the stuff with.

Who wants to go to the Grand Canyon with me?

To a Kenny Chesney concert?

To New York (yes, my sister, I know you are all over that one)?

Then there is the men that I have been chatting with on Match.com.

Oh dear, yes there are a few of them.  

Most of which, I am not interested in.

Or they are not interested in me.

But when I am honest with myself, when I think about the physical relationship, I don't want it.

I don't really enjoy intercourse, perhaps jaded by the initial pain which I have had at times.

I've even found myself thinking about doing other things during sex.

I have no interest in oral sex, giving or receiving.  

It just is not my thing.

I like to pleasure myself, but have not done that with a guy.

Perhaps my struggle is because I have not come to terms with my sexuality.

Or maybe I'm just not into it.

That's really where I am at.  

And have been for some time.

Oh the thoughts that go through my head.

Dedicated to you

I have a habit of dedicating songs to moments/places/people.  Here are a few:

To my first boyfriend, also my sister's wedding.  I asked to play this song, I even brought the CD, but the DJ only had a cassette player in 1998!

To my second boyfriend, in college.  Lots of songs remind me of him. Chicago, Air Supply, lots of cheesy stuff.

To summers on the pontoon boat on the Gorge and camping on the Snake River.  Those are my happy places when I am stressed.

My guy friend going through a divorce (first one I knew):

Last long term boyfriend (I do miss him in some ways still):

First bad affair.  This is a great song for him:

This belongs to someone too:

Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

This is a beautiful song.  Very fitting for the day and this time in my life.

The Doctors on MRKH

Neovaginas were discussed on The Doctors recently.  If you're in the market for treatment, please check it out: http://www.prweb.com/releases/2014/03/prweb11681814.htm

The Doctors episodes are great.  The girl who talks on it and shares her story is so relatable:

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Click this link  for part 3.

Only know your lover when you let her go

So I have a confession, or a reality that I have lived over and over.

I have dated married men.

NEVER had sex with any of them.

Kissed a few.

Why has this happened so many times?

1- 2002.  He was separated from his wife and we just had a good time together.  Never anything official or really dating, but he was married.

2- 2003.  Friend of the 2002 guy.  We went clubbing a lot and just spent hours together after work.  He was fun and welcoming.  I even spent time with his wife doing the same thing in big groups.  It was just odd.

3- 2005.  Went out with this guy from grad school.  He was in his 50's, me in my 20's.  I didn't know that he liked me.  He was from South Korea and it was summer.  All of our classmates were scattered around the country.  I went out to dinner with him.  He told me he missed me.  He took me to his apartment and told me he was feeling romantic and played his guitar and sang.  On the way home, he told me that he only cheated on his wife once.  I avoided him like the plague the next school year.  I didn't want anything to do with that.

4- 2008.  This one was with a colleague at work.  We did kiss a lot and spent a lot of lunch breaks together.  We talked for hours on the phone.  He was a bit cocky but I enjoyed my time with him.  This lasted about 6 months.  He provided a recommendation for me for a job and then I think I talked to him twice after that.  I was so done and getting lots of hell about this from my neighbors.

5- 2012-13.  This is another work colleague.  I started to think I was losing it.  We spent the last year and a half mostly just chilling and talking about work stuff.  We also talked a lot about personal issues and had some chemistry.  He challenged and pushed me regularly to make a decision to encourage him to leave his wife to be with me.  I didn't feel that was my place and furthermore, I really valued the friendship overall.  My objective was not to break up his marriage.  He left his wife in January and now they are in counseling.  It's much more complicated than I would ever write out on a blog, but I feel for this family.  Really, in my heart of hearts I would love to see them back together.  I want to be friends with him, but that position is hard right now.

With this twisted set of circumstances, I think about how it relates to my MRKH and dating life.

I really have not dated anyone for the past two years.  I am afraid in some aspects of relationships, and I think that you can guess where I am least confident.

Really what I can equate this time with these married guys is safety in a relationship.  I mean, these guys are hooked up and they can't be with me.  I have my limits and can't go past them.  I don't have to have sex with these guys but I can fill part of my emotional need for intimacy.

I'm pretty tired of this situation.  Dr. Phil has this saying that drives me nuts but it is so true "How is that working for you?"

Well this situation is not working for me at all anymore.  I'm tired of it all, tired of men in general.  So I did this totally ridiculous thing, I posed a Match.com profile again.  And I am getting 4 hits on it since I posted last Friday.  I told my mom that I was washed up.  I don't get it, but at the same time the no response is confirming to me that guys are not interested, and that I am on this venture alone for now.

So I need to let it go, I need to live for me.  That's what I am trying to do.  I want to refocus my lens, move my ship, and get a move on.  It's time for me to let this part of my life go (romantic relationships) and not look back.  Maybe at some point love will strike me.  Maybe not ever.  I am happy with me and I need to get out and do those things that I have waited for a relationship to do.  Watch me go.

Whoa, Science: Woman Might Be Pregnant Using Womb She Once Occupied

Tonight I was browsing the news and ran across this story about a the second womb transplant which intrigued me.

I think that the fact that we have gotten to this point where it is an option for some women is incredible.

At the same point in time, it's also very controversial.

I read through many of the comments.  Some of them are quite rude, and others encouraging.  It's interesting how this is being discussed as an ethical issue.  Is it typically an ethical issue for someone to use a surrogate?  I don't really see the difference.  It's two women who have agreed to share for the potential benefit of life.

32users liked this commentThumbs UpThumbs Down7users disliked this comment

Jessica  •  3 hours ago Report Abuse

I'm torn on this. On one hand wow, just wow. That medically we are able to do this is amazing. And we should always expand our medical knowledge and capabilities.
But ethically I'm not so sure. And I understand wanting to have your own child, to experience pregnancy. Because I want that. But too want to be pregnant so bad that you are willing to risk being 4 months pregnant and your body rejecting the transplant and killing a healthy developing fetus. Why risk that when you can have a surrogate, As much as I want to give birth myself. I would rather someone carry my child than knowingly risk my and it's life just for the experience.

I don't think that people who can have kids understand the magnitude of not having that option, particularly when its something that a couple wants for their life.  Yes, there are a lot of kids out there that need homes, but it is not the same as your own kids.  Even guys who have dated me have said that.  There's just something unique about seeing something YOU created out of love come from you and enrich your life.  Jessica's comments above about just experiencing pregnancy is a small part of the gift of kids--that's 9 months and you have a lifetime (hopefully!) with the kids.

There are some downright insensitive remarks.  Some from women that I would expect to be more sensitive:

2users liked this commentThumbs UpThumbs Down7users disliked this comment

Kathryn  •  3 hours ago Report Abuse

A womb transplant. I feel safe in saying I have now heard everything. I certainly hope this woman has not gone through all of this because she is only able to define herself if she is able to bear a child. Seems a waste of good science to me.

And there are some that make me laugh, like one that said that the woman could pass her uterus on to her kid and have an heirloom womb.  Here is another:

5users liked this commentThumbs UpThumbs Down2users disliked this comment

Christina  •  2 hours 36 minutes ago Report Abuse

I'll donate my uterus to someone that needs one.... I'd do almost anything to get rid of my menstrual cycle.. I've asked my doctor if I could have a hysterectomy but they cannot do anything unless your uterus is diseased or stds... I have 2 kids do not want anymore.... :)

I have heard that before when I said that I have MRKH to a loved one.

And a very immature response to Christina from a man who needs some womanly education (note all of the thumbs down):

0users liked this commentThumbs UpThumbs Down5users disliked this comment

Rexgold  •  1 hour 23 minutes agoThank you for reporting abuse to Yahoo Customer Care.

You should get rid of your boobs while your at it too. It's sad that a woman doesn't want her female parts. A womb makes you a woman.

That's enough on that for me.

What are your thoughts?

Disturbing Dreams

Friday night I had a dream

that I was PREGNANT.

Out of wedlock.

I felt ashamed, I didn't know what I was going to do, I didn't know what my family was going to say.

I didn't know how this was going to work out, I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids.

I just felt sheer panic inside. I didn't know what I was going to do.

Then I thought, oh yea, I could have an abortion...

Then I thought, I probably should have an abortion.

Because the baby would have nowhere to grow.

I don't remember much more--I woke up shortly thereafter.

But I still hurt about this.  The idea of the baby right now bothers me, and how close it felt, how possibly true it was...

It's still traumatizing me.

---------------------

Have you ever had this dream?