My last entry was short. It was as long as I could emotionally handle.
What I can say for John now is that he honestly did as well as he could for a 19 year old guy. What could I expect? He really did care about me with his whole heart, and I recognize that now. But then, I thought he was just thinking about that one part of him. In retrospect, I think it was more.
Counseling
I spent hours and hours in counseling. I was the one who initiated it. My mom says that she didn't think I would complete college had I not opted for it.
In counseling, we talked about all sorts of topics. We spent much time talking about relationships and what was normal and natural. I remember some statements she made including that 98% of my friends are having sex, 2% that don't are likely due to religion or some other reason. That was a surprise to me.
I was raised in a religious household. We went to church every Sunday, no excuses unless we were out of town. I was also raised under the guise that sex is only for married people, so I had planned to keep it that way. I didn't talk about sex with anyone either, cause it's something that was never discussed in my home. Dad and mom inadvertently put in my mind (and I later heard my sister's too) that sex is dirty. I had a very skewed view of sex before I found out about this diagnosis and it really made thinking about it all much more complicated than it needed to be.
I was supposed to be having sex?! This is something that rolled around and around in my head. I didn't know what to think. Many other thoughts rolled around in my head (and some still do). Why do so many teens just have the ability to so easily have sex and I have to make my own vagina to do it? Why me? I am responsible. Why do these teens have the ability to have kids and I can't? Is it normal to have sex as a teenager? Can I get on some sort of a board where people who want to have kids need to petition to me and explain how they are qualified to be parents financially, emotionally, etc? Can I become a nun (wait, that came later)? Do relationships revolve around sex? What should the focal point be?
I was very private with who I told. I explained it to my very close college girlfriends, but I was very quiet overall. I made my mom hush hush. I remember mom telling me when she told my grandparents I couldn't have kids, one of them cried. I think they were just sad about the option, that it wasn't there. That was and still is one of my biggest complaints about this condition. It takes away the options that I never would be able to decide on, and I didn't and still do not like that. I talked about all of this in counseling.
Needless to say, I was "mildly" depressed. I had some low, low days. This affected my friendships and my relationships with men. Sometimes I got mad (and still do) about men and their animalistic desires. I am a person!
From counseling, I took away some coping skills for my depression. One, exercise. Two, eat right. Three, do not isolate myself from people. I held on to those like a lifeline.
I ended up seeing the school's psychiatrist, which was one of the biggest mistakes I made. She prescribed to me Prozac, which I took for about a month, until my blood pressure was 80/40. Then I took another drug that I can't remember the name of anymore. I had the worst headache in my life. Needless to say, the other depression advice was much better, and that I stayed with for the long run.
Home
I went home that summer after Freshman year, only to fall back on old habits, and the depression nearly swallowed me. More to come on that...
Monday, January 3
Sunday, January 2
Emotional wrangling part 2 of many...
So maybe you can say that John and I were just a high school romance. When I started college I was 200 miles away from him. Perhaps, but it was still hard.
One of the most poignant times I had with John that flipped our relationship in my mind was February of my Freshman year in college. We were celebrating what I believe to be the worst day of the year, Valentines day. He had given me a faux diamond studded cross, which I didn't think fit us so well.
I don't recall anymore if this conversation was over the phone or in person, but I am thinking over the phone. The following dialog:
John: I know you can't have sex with me, and that's ok.
Me: (sighing in relief and also comfort in the understanding).
John: Since we can't have sex, do you want to have oral sex?
Had I been in the head I am now, I think I would have hung up on John. That basically was the end of our relationship.
It was so difficult for me because I was still dealing with the diagnosis and that was enough.
One of the most poignant times I had with John that flipped our relationship in my mind was February of my Freshman year in college. We were celebrating what I believe to be the worst day of the year, Valentines day. He had given me a faux diamond studded cross, which I didn't think fit us so well.
I don't recall anymore if this conversation was over the phone or in person, but I am thinking over the phone. The following dialog:
John: I know you can't have sex with me, and that's ok.
Me: (sighing in relief and also comfort in the understanding).
John: Since we can't have sex, do you want to have oral sex?
Had I been in the head I am now, I think I would have hung up on John. That basically was the end of our relationship.
It was so difficult for me because I was still dealing with the diagnosis and that was enough.
Sunday, December 26
Emotional wrangling part 1 of many...
What I failed to mention during the testing really was all of the totally raw emotion and major life events happening before, during and after diagnosis. This is really where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.
Before diagnosis:
I remember fifth grade, they did the official sex talk. I was actually excited about getting my period. It sounded like a really cool thing because I would be all grown up, and do grown up things (like apply pads-don't ask, I was 10). After we watched an awful show called "Dear Diary" which had been shown for many years prior, we had lecture about what a period is and whatnot. At the end of the class, we got our own pad and I believe tampon. I remember going home and finding a "discrete" kid's purse to put it in.
I didn't get my period in the fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade....or even the twelfth grade...
Periodically in high school, mom would ask me if I was ready to go to the gynecologist about my period. I refused, multiple times.
Personally, I have always been a bit of an introvert, but in high school, I really tried to deny that part of myself and think of myself as an extrovert. I also was not cliquey, so my true friend base was small, but I was friends with everyone. This was hard in high school in a small town.
I got my first boyfriend at the age of 16, about 3 weeks after my first kiss, which was devastatingly later than I had planned in my head! His name for the sake of the blog is John.
John had graduated two years prior to me. I was just beginning my senior year in high school. He was my first mutual true love. He lived with his parents far out in the country and he loved me with all he had. He made me very happy, and he was so simple minded in comparison to me. I had my first sexual experiences with him. It was hard for me because I had so many things tossing around in my head. I think at that point I was really truely cognisant of the lack of period, and I knew something was odd with me. We spent many hours cuddling in his bed, but I never took my pants off. I couldn't do it. He was okay with that, though I knew he wanted more so badly.
We had been dating about 7 months by the spring of my senior year. My sister was engaged that April and was going to be graduating college and getting married in August.
At some point in here, I decided it was time for me to go to the gynecologist and find out what was up. My appointment was scheduled that same afternoon as my baccalaureate.
As we drove into town, I remember riding with my sister and crying because I was so nervous about someone looking at me "down there." To comfort me, my sister took me for my first manicure ever.
Upon the beginning of the appointment, to preserve my dignity and self confidence, I refused to let my mom into the examination part of the appointment, but allowed her to talk to the nurse about whatever she wanted. Mom was with me for the preliminary demographic questions. After that, I gave her the boot. I think she was a bit miffed, but she also understood.
During the exam, I was so nervous, that I bit my freshly painted nails. I have never since had another manicure.
I remember leaving the exam with labs that needed to be completed, and that's when I started what they call the progesterone challenge.
All of the emotions going through me combined with additional horomones from the testing, I was quite a pleasure that summmer. My family tension was high anyway with my sister's pending wedding. John was a comfort for me through it all. He stayed by my side through the testing and I appreciated that.
John's support wasn't going to last though...and that's where I will pick up next time...
Before diagnosis:
I remember fifth grade, they did the official sex talk. I was actually excited about getting my period. It sounded like a really cool thing because I would be all grown up, and do grown up things (like apply pads-don't ask, I was 10). After we watched an awful show called "Dear Diary" which had been shown for many years prior, we had lecture about what a period is and whatnot. At the end of the class, we got our own pad and I believe tampon. I remember going home and finding a "discrete" kid's purse to put it in.
I didn't get my period in the fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade....or even the twelfth grade...
Periodically in high school, mom would ask me if I was ready to go to the gynecologist about my period. I refused, multiple times.
Personally, I have always been a bit of an introvert, but in high school, I really tried to deny that part of myself and think of myself as an extrovert. I also was not cliquey, so my true friend base was small, but I was friends with everyone. This was hard in high school in a small town.
I got my first boyfriend at the age of 16, about 3 weeks after my first kiss, which was devastatingly later than I had planned in my head! His name for the sake of the blog is John.
John had graduated two years prior to me. I was just beginning my senior year in high school. He was my first mutual true love. He lived with his parents far out in the country and he loved me with all he had. He made me very happy, and he was so simple minded in comparison to me. I had my first sexual experiences with him. It was hard for me because I had so many things tossing around in my head. I think at that point I was really truely cognisant of the lack of period, and I knew something was odd with me. We spent many hours cuddling in his bed, but I never took my pants off. I couldn't do it. He was okay with that, though I knew he wanted more so badly.
We had been dating about 7 months by the spring of my senior year. My sister was engaged that April and was going to be graduating college and getting married in August.
At some point in here, I decided it was time for me to go to the gynecologist and find out what was up. My appointment was scheduled that same afternoon as my baccalaureate.
As we drove into town, I remember riding with my sister and crying because I was so nervous about someone looking at me "down there." To comfort me, my sister took me for my first manicure ever.
Upon the beginning of the appointment, to preserve my dignity and self confidence, I refused to let my mom into the examination part of the appointment, but allowed her to talk to the nurse about whatever she wanted. Mom was with me for the preliminary demographic questions. After that, I gave her the boot. I think she was a bit miffed, but she also understood.
During the exam, I was so nervous, that I bit my freshly painted nails. I have never since had another manicure.
I remember leaving the exam with labs that needed to be completed, and that's when I started what they call the progesterone challenge.
All of the emotions going through me combined with additional horomones from the testing, I was quite a pleasure that summmer. My family tension was high anyway with my sister's pending wedding. John was a comfort for me through it all. He stayed by my side through the testing and I appreciated that.
John's support wasn't going to last though...and that's where I will pick up next time...
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