summer lovin'

The summer was a challenge for me.  I was away from my support group of friends, working on a new routine.  I became pretty obsesive compulsive during the last year.  I remember being upset when my mom bought me some underwear that didn't match the others in the drawer.  Strange.

Anyways, I had a difficult summer.  One of the memories that has stayed with me is my family physician.  I went to see him at one point because I couldn't handle my head anymore.  I wanted drugs again.  I didn't know what to do.

He told me that he didn't have his own kids, that it was no big deal.

I never went back to him again.

Did he not know that the emotional ramifications of all of the other aspects of this was insanely difficult to handle?  Obviously not.  He was insanely insensitive. 

One of my best friends in college (and we had an on and off attraction), Mark, surprised me with a visit.  He lived over 200 miles away.  Seeing him was the breath of fresh air that I needed.  We went out hiking and had a lot of quality time together.  It was the blessing I needed to pull me through the remainder of the summer. 

I started out my Sophomore year in college in heavy counseling again.  I met this great guy who lived on the other side of the hall from me, Matt.  He was so much fun.  I was myself with him.  We were both so goofy together.  He was a ton of fun, and a sappy romantic.  He made me all kinds of cool little things and dropped them around in places for me.

I was relieved to be back in my circle of good friends.  The people I met in college were and still are the best friends I have made in my life.  I used to think of myself as very stable, but when I think about all of the things I did and the emotional times, I would have to disagree.  My friends helped to keep me grounded, and help me to remember to have fun.

The summer between my Sophomore and Junior year, I went home once again for the summer.  This time, I had Matt, who lived in another state, but still we talked all of the time.  I went and visited him at one point.  We had so much fun.  His companionship meant a lot to me.  He never pressured me sexually.  We messed around a little, but really, it was quite innocent.  He was a virgin too. 

Junior year was a great year.  I lived in the student apartments with three other friends.  We had a blast.  I remember going to Wal Mart on Friday nights (don't ask!) and having fun there.  We did a lot of shopping.

Matt and I held strong through the winter, and fell apart in March.  He had told me that this girl, Jen, approached him to have sex with her.  I told him point blank that if she asked him that, knowing we were together, he should disassociate with her completely.  No one worth time would try to break up our relationship.  That was so rude.

So, I don't know what happened, but as I say today, Matt followed his pecker to greener pastures.  That's the only way I can explain it.

Our relationship ended, and he followed his dick.

That just crushed me.  We didn't talk about sex, but it wasn't that I was not open to it, I just needed to go figure out what to do to fix my problem first...

When I left school that year (and even though this crap happened it was a fabulous year), I had contacted the nurse practitioner who had helped me during diagnosis three years prior, to get the name of the professor in Texas who has seen someone with this condition.  I contacted the professor, and she connected me with
another physician who was in the city over an hour from my house.  Time to start treatment.

That's where I will pick up next time.

Emotional wrangling part 3 of many...

My last entry was short. It was as long as I could emotionally handle.

What I can say for John now is that he honestly did as well as he could for a 19 year old guy. What could I expect? He really did care about me with his whole heart, and I recognize that now. But then, I thought he was just thinking about that one part of him. In retrospect, I think it was more.


Counseling

I spent hours and hours in counseling. I was the one who initiated it. My mom says that she didn't think I would complete college had I not opted for it.

In counseling, we talked about all sorts of topics. We spent much time talking about relationships and what was normal and natural. I remember some statements she made including that 98% of my friends are having sex, 2% that don't are likely due to religion or some other reason. That was a surprise to me.

I was raised in a religious household. We went to church every Sunday, no excuses unless we were out of town. I was also raised under the guise that sex is only for married people, so I had planned to keep it that way. I didn't talk about sex with anyone either, cause it's something that was never discussed in my home. Dad and mom inadvertently put in my mind (and I later heard my sister's too) that sex is dirty. I had a very skewed view of sex before I found out about this diagnosis and it really made thinking about it all much more complicated than it needed to be.

I was supposed to be having sex?! This is something that rolled around and around in my head. I didn't know what to think.  Many other thoughts rolled around in my head (and some still do). Why do so many teens just have the ability to so easily have sex and I have to make my own vagina to do it? Why me? I am responsible. Why do these teens have the ability to have kids and I can't? Is it normal to have sex as a teenager? Can I get on some sort of a board where people who want to have kids need to petition to me and explain how they are qualified to be parents financially, emotionally, etc? Can I become a nun (wait, that came later)? Do relationships revolve around sex? What should the focal point be?

I was very private with who I told. I explained it to my very close college girlfriends, but I was very quiet overall. I made my mom hush hush. I remember mom telling me when she told my grandparents I couldn't have kids, one of them cried. I think they were just sad about the option, that it wasn't there. That was and still is one of my biggest complaints about this condition. It takes away the options that I never would be able to decide on, and I didn't and still do not like that.  I talked about all of this in counseling.

Needless to say, I was "mildly" depressed. I had some low, low days. This affected my friendships and my relationships with men. Sometimes I got mad (and still do) about men and their animalistic desires. I am a person!

From counseling, I took away some coping skills for my depression. One, exercise. Two, eat right. Three, do not isolate myself from people. I held on to those like a lifeline.

I ended up seeing the school's psychiatrist, which was one of the biggest mistakes I made. She prescribed to me Prozac, which I took for about a month, until my blood pressure was 80/40. Then I took another drug that I can't remember the name of anymore. I had the worst headache in my life. Needless to say, the other depression advice was much better, and that I stayed with for the long run.


Home

I went home that summer after Freshman year, only to fall back on old habits, and the depression nearly swallowed me. More to come on that...

Emotional wrangling part 2 of many...

So maybe you can say that John and I were just a high school romance. When I started college I was 200 miles away from him. Perhaps, but it was still hard.

One of the most poignant times I had with John that flipped our relationship in my mind was February of my Freshman year in college. We were celebrating what I believe to be the worst day of the year, Valentines day. He had given me a faux diamond studded cross, which I didn't think fit us so well.

I don't recall anymore if this conversation was over the phone or in person, but I am thinking over the phone. The following dialog:

John: I know you can't have sex with me, and that's ok.

Me: (sighing in relief and also comfort in the understanding).

John: Since we can't have sex, do you want to have oral sex?

Had I been in the head I am now, I think I would have hung up on John. That basically was the end of our relationship.

It was so difficult for me because I was still dealing with the diagnosis and that was enough.