Spring is in the air

...flowers everywhere!

I'm feeling a bit lonely these days.  I'm trying to work the law of attraction for a new relationship.  It's the way I have gotten new jobs.  Since I posted last time, I was promoted and now am doing work that I feel better suits my background.  I'm super excited.

But I'm plagued I think sometimes...I look at the relationship side of life and I struggle.  Professionally, I would say I've got my stuff together, but personally I could use some help.

I don't have many local girlfriends...none who are my age.  I swear that most every girl I know who is my age does not want to hang out because they are in a relationship, married, or married with kids.  It's a quandry because I miss that girl time.  I have lots of girlfriends who live in other states, and I talk to many often, but they don't have the ability to meet me somewhere to do something girly.

I'm still working on the sexuality piece.  I don't know when that is going to get easy.  I just don't know how I would communicate with a guy what is truly in my head; from the insecurities to the obscure fantasy.  It does make me feel alone, but I know deep down with the right person it will feel right and be easier.

Speaking of sex...I am also making a broad generalization that many men in their 30's are not looking for relationships, just FTF (friends that F@@@).  I have had at least three of those in the last year.  I don't project myself in that manner (I think you can get that from what I write) but I seem to bring those losers to me.  I've paid a big emotional price for my sexuality, and I'm not giving it away.

I know more than I thought

I promised myself to dedicate one night a week for a while to learn more about sex.  I worked on reading the book I mentioned earlier.  Refreshingly, I realized that I know a lot more than I thought.  I have heard a lot of the material in the book before.  My problem is that I don't communicate with my lovers.  It's hard for me to open up and trust.  I am sure that I am not the only one out there, but I really do feel alone on that one.  I guess I am used to things coming easy for me; and this has definitely been a struggle for years.  It's something that I don't want to be an issue anymore so I am going to make a concerted effort to remove it as an issue for me.

With that, I need to work on attracting a soulmate.  I have a strong belief in the laws of attraction, and I am starting my work in that arena.  My experience has been that after I finish reading one of the books on the law of attraction for soulmates, a guy comes into my life.  My exboyfriend was one, and there are two guys who have come since then.  I am sure that one of them is not a match for me, but the other one may have some potential.  We'll see.

Oh, I commented on my last post about my mom's remark.  She told me a month ago that when I was a little baby, she noticed a single drop of blood in my diaper, which she noted as strange.  Her instincts tell her that this may have something to do with my MRKH--that it was some sort of a sign to her.  The reproductive system was sealing it's incomplete self off.  I don't know if I buy that explanation, but it was a bit touching to hear her describe that.

Later.

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www.mrkhlife.com

Gynecologist Appointment

So I finally made it to the gynecologist again.  It was my first time since 2004.

My excuses for not going earlier:
1.  I had to change my doctors because of the health plan I had, so I carefully selected a doctor.  I'm lucky because of the vast information I have about the providers since I work in healthcare.  Even with that, its still hard to learn who knows what about MRKH.
2.  I was in grad school so I had a hard time getting an appointment at my specialist's office because of his availability and my short visits home.
3.  I had anxiety about a new gynecologist
4.  I was not really sexually active (some of the time)
5.  I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist
6.  I was tired of explaining the condition to new doctors
7.  I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist

I think you get the idea.

I felt inspired when I scheduled my appointment.  My health plan sends out reminders for various health checks so in order to get rid of it (and be a good patient who 'cares' about my health), I scheduled it.

And I also had a boyfriend at the time.  I was finally confident again that my made vagina was still working.

I knew that after that appointment, I could meet with him and he would just hold me.  I knew emotionally it would be a hard day.

But I didn't have a boyfriend to do that by the time the appointment came.

I arrived on time to the appointment and checked in at the front counter.  I sat down and launched my computer and started working, only that I was called back into the room after I got my computer booted up. I went back into the room and the MA started asking me questions about my last period and sexual activity.  I told her that I had a congenital condition called mullerian agenesis.  She didn't know what that was.

She asked me to change into the gown and wait for the doctor.

I didn't have to wait very long when the doctor arrived.  She introduced herself, Ann, and she asked me about the congenital condition that I had.  I was so thankful and relieved to find out that she studied under the specialist that I was not able to get an appointment with anymore.  I wanted to sing into the heavens.  I just about started crying when I told her that I was thankful that she knew about MRKH because I am so tired of explaining it.  She understood.  When she asked me about sexual activity, I just about cried as well because that has been such a difficult thing for me to just relax through.  With my few partners, I always worry about everything working.

I was a bit relieved (and also kind of sad in a weird way) when she told me that I would never have to have a pap smear because I don't have a cervix.  She did a brief digital exam and commented to me that it is amazing how far the vagina has come from nothing.  She asked me during the visit if what she did hurt me in any way.  I told her no, but that I was used to pain down there.  After I said that, it struck me.  I should not be used to pain down there.  I think most women are used to pleasure in the genital area.  Maybe I am wrong.

The visit itself went remarkably well.  I felt like an idiot afterward for the emotions the whole thing brought about.  I reassure myself that I am human and it is the way it is.

The rest of the weekend, I felt a bit scarred.  I have not gotten back into the book about sex, and the thought of sex right now is not overly appealing.  I'm getting better though, feeling more like me every day.

I don't have to go back to the gynecologist for three more years.

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Next time: I'll write about the spot my mom commented on...

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www.mrkhlife.com