May-o

It's May 2012.  Every time between these blog postings I always think so much has happened.  It really does.  So much happens in such small pieces of time but at the same time nothing happens.  Strange.

Dating--I have gone on a few dates with the guy who dumped me at Christmas.  He wants to be friends, but it is advancing a bit.  I don't think that we will be together in the long run and I need to remember that so I don't get wrapped up in a wasted relationship.  I want true love, and I don't see it here.

Death--This is my first post since my grandpa passed away.  He died Easter week and so did grandma, four years earlier.  My mom reminded me that he called her after she told him that I wouldn't have kids (no more detail than that) and told her that if anyone could handle it well I could.  That nearly brings tears to my eyes thinking about that.  I really feel that I need to live up to that.  I don't always feel that I have.  I've been studying heaven lately and reading books about it.  It is reinvigorating my faith and I needed that.

Diet--I am going to do the Game On! diet with a bunch of people at work.  This should be fun.  I've been feeling pretty chunky lately.  We are supposed to lose 1% of our body weight each week.  My goal is to lose about 15 lbs in the next few months.

That's kind of a hodgepodge of stuff but that's what's up.

Spring is in the air

...flowers everywhere!

I'm feeling a bit lonely these days.  I'm trying to work the law of attraction for a new relationship.  It's the way I have gotten new jobs.  Since I posted last time, I was promoted and now am doing work that I feel better suits my background.  I'm super excited.

But I'm plagued I think sometimes...I look at the relationship side of life and I struggle.  Professionally, I would say I've got my stuff together, but personally I could use some help.

I don't have many local girlfriends...none who are my age.  I swear that most every girl I know who is my age does not want to hang out because they are in a relationship, married, or married with kids.  It's a quandry because I miss that girl time.  I have lots of girlfriends who live in other states, and I talk to many often, but they don't have the ability to meet me somewhere to do something girly.

I'm still working on the sexuality piece.  I don't know when that is going to get easy.  I just don't know how I would communicate with a guy what is truly in my head; from the insecurities to the obscure fantasy.  It does make me feel alone, but I know deep down with the right person it will feel right and be easier.

Speaking of sex...I am also making a broad generalization that many men in their 30's are not looking for relationships, just FTF (friends that F@@@).  I have had at least three of those in the last year.  I don't project myself in that manner (I think you can get that from what I write) but I seem to bring those losers to me.  I've paid a big emotional price for my sexuality, and I'm not giving it away.

I know more than I thought

I promised myself to dedicate one night a week for a while to learn more about sex.  I worked on reading the book I mentioned earlier.  Refreshingly, I realized that I know a lot more than I thought.  I have heard a lot of the material in the book before.  My problem is that I don't communicate with my lovers.  It's hard for me to open up and trust.  I am sure that I am not the only one out there, but I really do feel alone on that one.  I guess I am used to things coming easy for me; and this has definitely been a struggle for years.  It's something that I don't want to be an issue anymore so I am going to make a concerted effort to remove it as an issue for me.

With that, I need to work on attracting a soulmate.  I have a strong belief in the laws of attraction, and I am starting my work in that arena.  My experience has been that after I finish reading one of the books on the law of attraction for soulmates, a guy comes into my life.  My exboyfriend was one, and there are two guys who have come since then.  I am sure that one of them is not a match for me, but the other one may have some potential.  We'll see.

Oh, I commented on my last post about my mom's remark.  She told me a month ago that when I was a little baby, she noticed a single drop of blood in my diaper, which she noted as strange.  Her instincts tell her that this may have something to do with my MRKH--that it was some sort of a sign to her.  The reproductive system was sealing it's incomplete self off.  I don't know if I buy that explanation, but it was a bit touching to hear her describe that.

Later.

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