Jacqui Beck: Published MRKH Experience

I just read the Huffington Post's article about Jacqui Beck and am glad to hear MRKH getting more press.  There have been articles out there about women with it several times per year now.  I think some of that started with the beauty queen Miss Michigan, Jaclyn's story.  It does bother me that the MRKH aspects are so sensationalized.  Honestly, reading those stories does make me feel like a freak of nature but 1 in 5000 is not that rare.

It still floors me when I hear about how we in society define what a woman is and what she does.  Does it make you a woman because you like to shop?  have long hair?  put on makeup? clean?  get married?  have kids?  a period?  vagina?  There are so many characteristics of many women but there really isn't a box that you can shove a whole gender into.

I will maintain that sexuality (feelings and actual physical development) is a spectrum.  There are men and women and all shades in between.  It is just the way it is.  It's the beauty of nature.  We need to accept people wherever they are at.

I really hope that Jacqui comes to a comfortable place with her diagnosis, that she seeks treatment IF she wants it, and that she goes on and has a fulfilling happy life.  

Naked Mirrors and Dilation Again (does it ever stop?)

So I am in the bath sitting there looking at my naked belly and there's this weird thing that you know how you look down on your body and it looks larger than it is.  The "rolls" looked massive to me and I am thinking how did I get to this and why won't it just go away?  I agree with myself to spend a few minutes in the mirror before I get dressed.  I pulled the wardrobe mirror out of my guest bedroom, propped it down on the floor against the wall outside the bathroom (I'm too lazy to close the blinds, I'd rather take down the mirror!).

My reaction is more pleasant this time.  I am not as large as I perceive in the bath.  That makes me feel better because for me in my job, I need to be in good physical shape.  Unfortunately, my job is very stressful and has caused a 7 lb weight gain over the last year.  I work out most days and I've been pretty smitten with running right now.  Five miles at a time is my workout of choice.

I'm thinking about what I want for my future and I do think that I want to be in a relationship eventually here but right now I have too many things in the air to fully give it the appropriate attention.  Regardless, I want to be dilated and not have to think about that.  It's just one more thing that haunts me when I start dating.  It's not the drive to have sex, it's not having the option to do it very comfortably that's most disturbing.  I do tend to explain the MRKH stuff before sex and I am very slow to move to that level of physicality.

Britney Spears "Work Bitch" is the song for tonight.  My neighbor tells me that it reminds him of me, the words, not Britney.

Lady in Red

Ever since 1998, I have had a weird obsession and fantasy with the song Lady In Red by Chris DeBurgh.

There's something so simple about this song.  The man in the song is so attached to the lady in red.  It's so romantic and seems so pure.  I can just see this guy looking at the woman with longing eyes and a sweetness that totally melts her.  She's absolutely elegant and I hope that she's aware of the beauty she has inside and outside.

This is the kind of song that I can play over and over and not get tired of it.  I think that I used to believe this kind of love and adoration really existed from a man.  I began to doubt it in my later 20's as I began to find that men only wanted to be around me for sex (of which I had no clue why they had that impression as I was a virgin for most of my 20's).

Today is a new day.  I've seen enough and I am going to find that love really does exist.  I'm opening my mind and heart to it again.  I will find a man that loves all of me, and has patience and respect for the MRKH.  It won't matter.  Love is coming my way and I want to be the lady in red.