Disturbing Dreams

Friday night I had a dream

that I was PREGNANT.

Out of wedlock.

I felt ashamed, I didn't know what I was going to do, I didn't know what my family was going to say.

I didn't know how this was going to work out, I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids.

I just felt sheer panic inside. I didn't know what I was going to do.

Then I thought, oh yea, I could have an abortion...

Then I thought, I probably should have an abortion.

Because the baby would have nowhere to grow.

I don't remember much more--I woke up shortly thereafter.

But I still hurt about this.  The idea of the baby right now bothers me, and how close it felt, how possibly true it was...

It's still traumatizing me.

---------------------

Have you ever had this dream?

Born of a Virgin Mary

I had a baby shower in the last month for one of the assistants in my office suite.  She was expecting and struggling financially with her husband to get it all together.  For some reason, that kind of stuff really bothers me perhaps because I am a planner or perhaps because I can't ever plan for my own babies.

At the same time, I question if I really do want to have kids in my life.

I didn't go to the baby shower.  I told my assistant (she wasn't the pregnant one) that I don't do baby showers, wedding showers, or bachelorette parties.  They are not my things.  I can't handle everyone doting on someone watching them open gifts and talking about spouses or babies.  Both of those topics are not something that I want to discuss.  It's probably because even at 33, I am working through the feelings still of my perceived life perfection and my reality of imperfection.


Christmas is ramping up.  Essential to the season is the birth of Jesus, which seems to be forgotten in the rush to purchase the perfect present.  I was thinking tonight about Mary being a virgin when she became pregnant with Jesus.  What a gift.

Jacqui Beck: Published MRKH Experience

I just read the Huffington Post's article about Jacqui Beck and am glad to hear MRKH getting more press.  There have been articles out there about women with it several times per year now.  I think some of that started with the beauty queen Miss Michigan, Jaclyn's story.  It does bother me that the MRKH aspects are so sensationalized.  Honestly, reading those stories does make me feel like a freak of nature but 1 in 5000 is not that rare.

It still floors me when I hear about how we in society define what a woman is and what she does.  Does it make you a woman because you like to shop?  have long hair?  put on makeup? clean?  get married?  have kids?  a period?  vagina?  There are so many characteristics of many women but there really isn't a box that you can shove a whole gender into.

I will maintain that sexuality (feelings and actual physical development) is a spectrum.  There are men and women and all shades in between.  It is just the way it is.  It's the beauty of nature.  We need to accept people wherever they are at.

I really hope that Jacqui comes to a comfortable place with her diagnosis, that she seeks treatment IF she wants it, and that she goes on and has a fulfilling happy life.