Monday, January 25

confessions

These are my confessions.

I have been avoiding this blog for a year because I have been hoping that MRKH hasn't defined my life.  I think that I am lying to myself about that one.  It has in many ways.   I'm starting to think more about my sexuality and I am feeling more intersexed than ever.  I do like men but I like women too.  I haven't dated in about 3 years.  My "sugar daddy" complicated relationship, ended this last week after 8 years.  I know that there is a reason or a purpose to all of this but I am wondering what it is.

Will I ever feel that I fit in a real relationship?

Ok, let's take this one apart a little more.

I meet someone.  We go on a date or two.  We are attracted to each other.

I have to make sure that I am dilating (we may have sex at some point), ideally long before dating because it takes a while to be stretched.

I am getting anxiety about whether or not he will fit in the vaginal space.

I am getting anxiety about telling him.

I hope he doesn't want kids.

It's time to have sex.  The moment is right.

I don't enjoy it as much as I think I should.  It's kind of boring, really.

But I enjoy the foreplay and kissing.

That is life.  It's good being alone in a lot of ways, but there are those times that I wish I could meet someone who gets it.  It may be nice to date someone who is intersex too, that may be easier.

MRKH truth.


Sunday, April 13

Mommies and their Babies, Dating, Sex

Sometimes I wonder what the heck the purpose is of this life and if I am just frittering mine away. 

I'd like to think that there are multiple purposes, that no one is better than another.

That there is choice in direction and value in all purposes.

Having a husband and kids does not make you whole.

That can even be more of a difficult situation.

But society values that.

Or is that just in my crazy head?

My friend M told me tonight that she is now pregnant.

I knew two years ago when I was in her wedding that was likely one of the last times I would see her.

Because married people typically don't have time or interest in single people.

That's just how it is.

I'm still challenged to find my own community.

And I need to start working on my bucket list.

Because when I die, I want to have had experiences and not regrets.

But I need to figure out how to do this stuff alone, to find someone to do the stuff with.

Who wants to go to the Grand Canyon with me?

To a Kenny Chesney concert?

To New York (yes, my sister, I know you are all over that one)?


Then there is the men that I have been chatting with on Match.com.

Oh dear, yes there are a few of them.  

Most of which, I am not interested in.

Or they are not interested in me.

But when I am honest with myself, when I think about the physical relationship, I don't want it.

I don't really enjoy intercourse, perhaps jaded by the initial pain which I have had at times.

I've even found myself thinking about doing other things during sex.

I have no interest in oral sex, giving or receiving.  

It just is not my thing.

I like to pleasure myself, but have not done that with a guy.

Perhaps my struggle is because I have not come to terms with my sexuality.

Or maybe I'm just not into it.

That's really where I am at.  

And have been for some time.


Oh the thoughts that go through my head.

Thursday, April 3

Dedicated to you

I have a habit of dedicating songs to moments/places/people.  Here are a few:

To my first boyfriend, also my sister's wedding.  I asked to play this song, I even brought the CD, but the DJ only had a cassette player in 1998!

To my second boyfriend, in college.  Lots of songs remind me of him. Chicago, Air Supply, lots of cheesy stuff.
To summers on the pontoon boat on the Gorge and camping on the Snake River.  Those are my happy places when I am stressed.


My guy friend going through a divorce (first one I knew):
Last long term boyfriend (I do miss him in some ways still):


First bad affair.  This is a great song for him:

This belongs to someone too: