Excitement

Happy Holidays!  It's strange how quick this time of year comes around.  I'm listening to classical Christmas piano music as I write tonight.  A lot of inside work has been going on over the past month.

First and probably foremost right now, my job is up in the air and I am looking at my options.  It's time for me to make a change but I need to stay where I am also.  My goal now is to become an entrepreneur of sorts.  I see a web based business in my future.  A variety of different ideas have been going though my head and I think that I pegged a great one that I will be developing as I hold my full time job.

I've been working on further defining what I want out of life, both career and personal.  Personally, I really do want to have a boyfriend again and I want this to be the last one.  I think it's totally possible right now.  My fantasy is that I find a super smart, chill guy who is just up for anything and has his stuff together.  On my fitness goals, I signed up for a half marathon.  It's my first ever and I am so not a runner that I am super excited about it.  This will be in May.  I'm up to 6.5 miles, but I've got a lot of work to do on that.  It's a great work distraction.

I've been on a marathon of AWKWARD. on MTV.com today.  I admire in some strange way Jenna's freedom with her sexuality.  I wish that I had that, and that I have that now.  It's really not there for me very easily.  I have to really trust before I let go and that takes lots of time.  Sometimes we all just feel AWKWARD.  

That's it for now.

Time to Let Go

Periodically I search YouTube videos for new ones on MRKH.  This one was posted by Death By Glitter.  I really like the range of issues and emotions conveyed on this video.  She did a great job describing so many of the issues I personally have felt, and I am sure you have too.  Take a look and I am sure you will be moved.  It's MRKH life.

On other news, my dating prospect is practically over now.  Back to the drawing board if that's what you call it.  Back to nada, but that seems to be okay for now.

MRKH Revelations to Yet Another Man

So this weekend I revealed to the guy I am dating about my MRKH and it's ramifications.

He didn't really think it was a big deal.  However, he did make a comment that he may want to have his own kids because he likes to play with them...be a big kid.

It still feels like a big deal to me.

The levels of complication I feel this causes for relationships is what bugs me--

• Effects the present--sex is challenging because I don't feel confident in it due to my MRKH, religious background, and life timing.  Sex isn't free for me.  I think sex comes with a price.
• Effects the future--no biological family in my future...adoption is an option but as time goes by seems less appealing in a lot of ways.

Guys are strange in their reaction.  I never know how to tell them but it's such a part of me that I feel that I need to do this.  I think for the right person, it will not be a big deal but there will be empathy for the life journey.

I feel naked after I have told another person about it.  Very vulnerable and I don't like that. 

After this revelation, I'm waiting for his full reaction.  So far, he's stuck with me and it's not deterring us.

We shall see what the future brings...more to come...

Sex Preparations (Dilation Today)

August is my lucky month.  I met someone on Labor day weekend and it's going really well.  We met through a colleague of mine.  He's younger than me but I'm finding that I'm into him and he's into me.

We have not had sex, yet...Not sure if I am going to go there but I want to be ready if I do.

So I'm dilating again.  I haven't had sex in nearly a year.  I wasn't overly deep and I want to work on that.  I remember the pain for the first times and upon entrance, the vaginal walls ache.  I think that my gynecologist told me that she had something she could give me for that.  I think I am going to ask for that.  I'd also like some Xanax but I don't think that I am going to be getting that.  

I have lots of things to work through in my head...like the fact that everyone is different and we have to communicate what turns us on...but some of that is really hard for me to do.  Sexual communication is almost a foreign language for me.

This guy I am dating was telling me the other night that he was watching the 40 Year Old Virgin movie.  He said that he believes there are people out there like that.  I feel pretty darn close when it comes to sex.  

So for the next month or so, my vibrator is getting used to prepare me so if I feel right about it, I have the option to have sex without much initial pain.

:)

Fun times.

30 Something Marriage Reject?

So I read this blog about a girl who inquired about why dating (for marriage) in your 30's is so hard.

I was googling for articles on dating in your 30's.  I'm finding it exceedingly hard.

Here's the thing.  I think I'm a great catch.  I am educated, attractive, and don't have much baggage (no divorces, kids, etc.).  My main "baggage" is MRKH.  I'm pretty flexible on who I am willing to go out with.

Online Dating

I've tried online dating in the last year and it was just plain awful.  I got plenty of guys looking at my profile, but few choosing me.  I really made the profile such that the guy knew I had my stuff together but still had room for someone in my life.  My main issues with the online dating:

1.  One of my friends commented that a lot of the guys on the online sites just were looking for sex.  I do have issues with that (duh!) and don't just have sex with anyone so that's an issue for me.  I'm always leery about sexual experiences with new partners even when I know I look normal.  I wonder if women have given so much to men physically that they don't feel the need to connect on any other level, or if that's just always the way that it has been.  I think the former.

2.  Kids.  Most of the guys state that their ideal mate is someone that they can have kids with.  That totally contradicts (1).  Knowing this up front is good, but it's also more difficult in some ways because this knowledge does shut me down to the idea of being in a relationship with that guy.  While some guys are willing to adopt, many want their own biology, and that's something I can't give.  

3.  The specificity.  Online dating is like a grocery list where you can specify just about everything down to the eye color of the person you want to date.  You can build the perfect physical specimen, hit search and voila! results.  I don't think that's what God had in mind, but that's just me.  

Back to the blog, the people who commented about the luck of finding someone to marry in your thirties as a woman was just dreadful.  There were over 200 comments and most of them said that the girl should find someone who was "good enough" and that spending her 20's being career oriented instead of finding a mate was a mistake.  I so disagree.  I hope this poor girl embraced the fact that being single isn't so bad (marriage isn't always the best choice) and she should not settle.  Some people do have ridiculous expectations, but life does not happen on our timing, no matter how much we try to control it.

Neovaginas

Hi,

I just wanted to call out for those of us who have not undergone any treatment but are thinking about it.  The neovagina process sounds like it is much better than the dilation I went through.  Here is a link to the experts on it and if I were you, I would check them out.  http://www.prweb.com/releases/2012/6/prweb9529587.htm

MRKH Story

So I know you've been reading my story...what's yours?  Feel free to post it here!  We're a secret society so I appreciate knowing what you've been through/are going through.

If you're looking on this page, wondering what other girls are going through, write your story...new stories bring new stories.  We're in this together.

MRKH and Warts

Today I went to get a wart removed off the bottom of my foot.  The medical assistant did all of the check in stuff--weighing me, took my temperature, took my blood pressure, etc.  She took me into the room and asked me when I had my last period.  Then I had to explain to her that I don't get periods.  She asked me if I had a hysterectomy.  I told her no, I was born that way...Can't tell you how many times I am sick of that question at the doctor's office!

How about you?

MRKH at the Bar

So Wednesday night I went out with a couple of my colleagues, Jim and Tom (no those are not their real names), to a bar.  Jim is about 38ish and Tom is 50.  We had a great time just sitting around talking.  Being with guys, you know that the topic of sex is likely to come up, and it did.  They made some comments about how old they were when they had sex for the first time.  I didn't contribute to that.  I had said earlier that I don't kiss and tell.  Jim asked what my wildest college story was and I told him about this time that I ended up on three inadvertent dates within a 48 hour period (how I met T).  Jim and Tom both asked if I slept with the last one and I said no, that's not the way I am.  Jim made some comment about how many guys I had been with sexually and guessed 1.  He's pretty close.

These kind of conversations make me scream in my head...why does sex have to be such an ordeal?  Why did I make it that way then and why does MRKH get in my head so much and rule relationships?

I'm okay joking around with guys about sex because I hear that talk frequently anyway, but when it comes to myself, it's more challenging.

Jim also said something about kids to me and I said that I couldn't have them and that I was just born that way.  He seemed surprised and I think that I caught him off guard.  I just told him that I didn't have a uterus and the ovaries didn't connect to anything.  He asked if I had a period and I told him no.  My general rule of thumb is that this is ok to talk about but when it comes down (literally) to the vagina and sex, that's a place I don't discuss.  Jim made some comments about sex and how it's really overrated often and Tom stepped away to go to the bathroom.   Once Tom was gone, Jim asked me about what the situation was like, dating and not being able to have kids.  Right now honestly, the whole thing gets me a bit emotional.  I don't remember exactly what I told him but I said that it is the way it is...nothing I can do to change the situation and make it any different.

The next day, even though I didn't say anything that I wouldn't tell most people, I felt like my soul was naked.  For some reason, MRKH discussions bring that out for me.

So that's MRKH and the bar...

Game Over!

Today my grandpa would have been 92...This year he is celebrating with his parents, siblings, grandma and lots of old friends in heaven.

The Game On! diet is finally over.  It ended on Monday and my body couldn't be happier.  I ended up weighing 140.3 at the end of the game.  Of course, on Sunday, I subsisted on lemons, string cheese, and almonds.  Needless to say, I am finally nourishing myself the way my body wants.  I'm finding renewed energy for my workouts as well.  I didn't know what a slug I was becoming.  I plan on maintaining this weight loss but my own way.  The game taught me balance in what I eat, to drink a lot of water, break some bad habits, and gain some healthy ones.     My bad habit was not putting my clothes away each night, so I did that.  My new good habit was to read 25-30 pages each night.  I never craved new variety in my diet before as I did by the end of this game.  I tried Kale chips last night.  I didn't like them, but it was fun to try.  I also got some okra and will figure out how to prepare it.

The summer is taking off.  My house is being remediated because they forgot to put flashing on the windows so we have a lot of mold.  It's a fiasco right now.  They will be starting on my building soon (I live in a condo).  I'm headed off to my sister's house to see her family and one of my cousins and her family are coming too.  It's my first vacation this year.  I bought a book on photography and plan on maxing out the capabilities of my camera.  I'll post a few pictures on here once I get going.  I bought a Mac in the last month too, so I hear that the picture capabilities on this are great.

I posted a profile on okcupid.com last weekend.  I don't think that I held it up for more than a few days.  I know only one person needs to like me but I was not getting any hits after they read my profile.  Dating in your 30's just plain sucks.  I don't know how to otherwise describe it.  Pile on the MRKH, which as you know is my baggage, and you've got a challenge as a guy,  The thing that kills me on the site is that it is like a menu at a restaurant and ridiculously prescriptive.  A lot of guys say that they want to have families and they are in their late 30's...I'm thinking "buddy you're a little late on that one." The other thing that people assume (and I know MRKH girls already know) is that they CAN have kids.  That in and of itself is a crapshoot.  I mean lots of people who think that they can conceive struggle with it.  It ends relationships.  When I tell guys about the MRKH and the kids situation I tell them that it is a blessing and curse to know it up front.  I know I have a lot to offer the right person, and I'm so ready for him to get here.  

Heaven and Dating

Since Grandpa died, I have been spending time reading about heaven.  This is the heaven of Christianity.  The more I read about it, the more I am thinking "take me, I'm ready NOW!"  That's not depression, it sounds like the most fabulous place you could ever be.  I can see where people who are given the option to go toward the light or go back to earth, choose the light.  I pray to have the courage to go to the known unknown heaven when given the option.

I've also started working on dating again.  I actually posted a profile on OkCupid.  Tell me if I'm crazy.  I posted a profile before on Match and Eharmony and they were both awful.  This one is free and it seems like there are some interesting guys on there.  I am picky though.  I tend to attract what I feel are losers--guys who are not really ambitious and I think that they clammer toward my open nature.  I don't mind knowing some people like that but I don't want to date them because they would drive me crazy.  Funny thing is though, that for guys I express interest in, I don't get a response.  I have to chalk it up to the fact that it is just not the right time.

There's this side of me though that does debate on being single for some time.  I have been hearing from my married friends that it's not as easy/fun as one would expect to be married.  One of my bigger hangups is the sex piece and also hoping that the guy does not have a real hankering for kids.  I just don't see that in the cards in this lifetime.  Adoption to me sounds really draining and difficult.

Time will only tell.

Saturday

I'm going to get my hair cut and highlighted today and I am looking forward to doing that.  Life has been super weird lately.  I am thinking that the solar flares going on have something to do with it.

Regarding my diet--I've lost 3 lbs but need to lose 1.4 lbs by Monday.  It's a crash on the already restrictive diet that I am doing this weekend.  I'm working out twice today and three times tomorrow.  I will make weight for the team.  When I am done with this thing, I am not going on a diet again.

My dad is off with his brother working on an estate sale today with my grandpa's stuff.  That's still hard for me to think about and it makes me tearful just thinking about it.  I have a hard time thinking of my grandparent's things in so many other people's houses.  The harder part is knowing that I will never have a conversation with grandpa again.  I have 10 voicemails on my phone that I cannot delete.  It's too hard and I'm not capturing them at the right time to record them.

TTYL.

Updates and Life

Hi,

I've been busy adding the commentary that is from my other site today to this one.  :)  Everything is here now.

My game on diet is working well.  It was a rough start but I have lost 3 lbs already (weighing in at 142 now) which is one of the lowest weights I have been at for some time.  I'm happy about that.

I had a 'date' with my recent ex Friday, only he showed up 35 minutes late, which by that time I had decided to go home.  The plan was to meet after work for me, and after his class.  Well he never let me know it was going late and I got tired of waiting.  I thought I was going to be stood up. I went home.

This weekend I went home to my parent's house to celebrate my mom's birthday.  Yesterday I went to the beach alone and took a long walk in the sand.  It felt great.  I needed that and have been fantasizing about that for a long time.  I always wonder what the human fascination with water is.  We are just obsessed with bodies of water.  Perhaps its how the expanse of water reminds us of how small we really are.  Today has just been a chill day and I have liked that too.

I'm really thinking a lot lately about several things:
1.  I want some girlfriends here.  I've lived here for 6 years and haven't fostered any of those relationships.  I need to spend more time working on that.  It's hard when so many girls my age are focused on their relationships and/or kids.
2.  I want a relationship.  I don't want to spend my entire life alone.
3.  I'm trying to figure out the best way to invest some money so perhaps I have something to live on when I am old and gray (wait, I'm graying already!).

That's all for now.

May-o

It's May 2012.  Every time between these blog postings I always think so much has happened.  It really does.  So much happens in such small pieces of time but at the same time nothing happens.  Strange.

Dating--I have gone on a few dates with the guy who dumped me at Christmas.  He wants to be friends, but it is advancing a bit.  I don't think that we will be together in the long run and I need to remember that so I don't get wrapped up in a wasted relationship.  I want true love, and I don't see it here.

Death--This is my first post since my grandpa passed away.  He died Easter week and so did grandma, four years earlier.  My mom reminded me that he called her after she told him that I wouldn't have kids (no more detail than that) and told her that if anyone could handle it well I could.  That nearly brings tears to my eyes thinking about that.  I really feel that I need to live up to that.  I don't always feel that I have.  I've been studying heaven lately and reading books about it.  It is reinvigorating my faith and I needed that.

Diet--I am going to do the Game On! diet with a bunch of people at work.  This should be fun.  I've been feeling pretty chunky lately.  We are supposed to lose 1% of our body weight each week.  My goal is to lose about 15 lbs in the next few months.

That's kind of a hodgepodge of stuff but that's what's up.

Spring is in the air

...flowers everywhere!

I'm feeling a bit lonely these days.  I'm trying to work the law of attraction for a new relationship.  It's the way I have gotten new jobs.  Since I posted last time, I was promoted and now am doing work that I feel better suits my background.  I'm super excited.

But I'm plagued I think sometimes...I look at the relationship side of life and I struggle.  Professionally, I would say I've got my stuff together, but personally I could use some help.

I don't have many local girlfriends...none who are my age.  I swear that most every girl I know who is my age does not want to hang out because they are in a relationship, married, or married with kids.  It's a quandry because I miss that girl time.  I have lots of girlfriends who live in other states, and I talk to many often, but they don't have the ability to meet me somewhere to do something girly.

I'm still working on the sexuality piece.  I don't know when that is going to get easy.  I just don't know how I would communicate with a guy what is truly in my head; from the insecurities to the obscure fantasy.  It does make me feel alone, but I know deep down with the right person it will feel right and be easier.

Speaking of sex...I am also making a broad generalization that many men in their 30's are not looking for relationships, just FTF (friends that F@@@).  I have had at least three of those in the last year.  I don't project myself in that manner (I think you can get that from what I write) but I seem to bring those losers to me.  I've paid a big emotional price for my sexuality, and I'm not giving it away.

I know more than I thought

I promised myself to dedicate one night a week for a while to learn more about sex.  I worked on reading the book I mentioned earlier.  Refreshingly, I realized that I know a lot more than I thought.  I have heard a lot of the material in the book before.  My problem is that I don't communicate with my lovers.  It's hard for me to open up and trust.  I am sure that I am not the only one out there, but I really do feel alone on that one.  I guess I am used to things coming easy for me; and this has definitely been a struggle for years.  It's something that I don't want to be an issue anymore so I am going to make a concerted effort to remove it as an issue for me.

With that, I need to work on attracting a soulmate.  I have a strong belief in the laws of attraction, and I am starting my work in that arena.  My experience has been that after I finish reading one of the books on the law of attraction for soulmates, a guy comes into my life.  My exboyfriend was one, and there are two guys who have come since then.  I am sure that one of them is not a match for me, but the other one may have some potential.  We'll see.

Oh, I commented on my last post about my mom's remark.  She told me a month ago that when I was a little baby, she noticed a single drop of blood in my diaper, which she noted as strange.  Her instincts tell her that this may have something to do with my MRKH--that it was some sort of a sign to her.  The reproductive system was sealing it's incomplete self off.  I don't know if I buy that explanation, but it was a bit touching to hear her describe that.

Later.

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www.mrkhlife.com

Gynecologist Appointment

So I finally made it to the gynecologist again.  It was my first time since 2004.

My excuses for not going earlier:
1.  I had to change my doctors because of the health plan I had, so I carefully selected a doctor.  I'm lucky because of the vast information I have about the providers since I work in healthcare.  Even with that, its still hard to learn who knows what about MRKH.
2.  I was in grad school so I had a hard time getting an appointment at my specialist's office because of his availability and my short visits home.
3.  I had anxiety about a new gynecologist
4.  I was not really sexually active (some of the time)
5.  I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist
6.  I was tired of explaining the condition to new doctors
7.  I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist

I think you get the idea.

I felt inspired when I scheduled my appointment.  My health plan sends out reminders for various health checks so in order to get rid of it (and be a good patient who 'cares' about my health), I scheduled it.

And I also had a boyfriend at the time.  I was finally confident again that my made vagina was still working.

I knew that after that appointment, I could meet with him and he would just hold me.  I knew emotionally it would be a hard day.

But I didn't have a boyfriend to do that by the time the appointment came.

I arrived on time to the appointment and checked in at the front counter.  I sat down and launched my computer and started working, only that I was called back into the room after I got my computer booted up. I went back into the room and the MA started asking me questions about my last period and sexual activity.  I told her that I had a congenital condition called mullerian agenesis.  She didn't know what that was.

She asked me to change into the gown and wait for the doctor.

I didn't have to wait very long when the doctor arrived.  She introduced herself, Ann, and she asked me about the congenital condition that I had.  I was so thankful and relieved to find out that she studied under the specialist that I was not able to get an appointment with anymore.  I wanted to sing into the heavens.  I just about started crying when I told her that I was thankful that she knew about MRKH because I am so tired of explaining it.  She understood.  When she asked me about sexual activity, I just about cried as well because that has been such a difficult thing for me to just relax through.  With my few partners, I always worry about everything working.

I was a bit relieved (and also kind of sad in a weird way) when she told me that I would never have to have a pap smear because I don't have a cervix.  She did a brief digital exam and commented to me that it is amazing how far the vagina has come from nothing.  She asked me during the visit if what she did hurt me in any way.  I told her no, but that I was used to pain down there.  After I said that, it struck me.  I should not be used to pain down there.  I think most women are used to pleasure in the genital area.  Maybe I am wrong.

The visit itself went remarkably well.  I felt like an idiot afterward for the emotions the whole thing brought about.  I reassure myself that I am human and it is the way it is.

The rest of the weekend, I felt a bit scarred.  I have not gotten back into the book about sex, and the thought of sex right now is not overly appealing.  I'm getting better though, feeling more like me every day.

I don't have to go back to the gynecologist for three more years.

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Next time: I'll write about the spot my mom commented on...

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www.mrkhlife.com

Letting Go

This morning I had a major "aha" moment.  I have been listening to this book on my Kindle during my drive to work.  It's called Love Will Find You: 9 Magnets to Bringing You and Your Soulmate Together by Kathryn Alice.  I'm hooked on it.  I've learned so much.  One of the things I knew but I needed a reminder about was that there's a reason why it doesn't work out with someone: it wasn't supposed to.  Furthermore, the book discusses how it is counterproductive to get into the reasons why a relationship didn't work out.  We just need to let it go and say it wasn't the right relationship.

Armed with this, I am ready to call my ex again and tell him that it's okay and I would not mind hanging out with him someday.  I do like a lot of things about him.  I just need to be sure that I am completely over him.

The other thing the book said that I never knew was that many of us imagine former lovers as our potential soulmate when we are "looking" for that person.  The reality is that in doing this, we are self-limiting.  We need to be open and in order to do this, we need to let go of the past.  The right person will be someone that we don't have to work to fit with, it will just happen very naturally.

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Speaking of letting go of the past, I was reading The Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danzinger  and it made me think of my MRKH.  The rooms of your house are areas of your life where parts of you live.  You can drag in stuff from other rooms/have a very untidy room and mess up other areas of your house.  After reading this book, I came to the realization that my basement is full of MRKH.  It really has distracted my relationship life.  I'm in the process of "normalcy," accepting the challenges I have had, and moving on.  It's crazy that I'm 31 and just finally feeling nearly at peace with it all.  I know some girls accept it quickly and move on.  It's been my personal struggle.

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My ex inspired me while we were dating to go to the gynecologist.  I have not been to one since 2004, when I moved out of state.  Its terribly emotional, and I didn't want to go to a new person.  I have explained the condition to more medical providers than I care to remember. Most have displayed an attitude of "whatever, no big deal."  I dislike answering the nurse questions about the period thing.  My sister tells me it's good not to have it.  I'll write about the new gynecologist Friday or sometime this weekend.

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www.mrkhlife.com

New Beginnings, New Times

Okay...so maybe you're wondering how the whole single gal thing has gone.  It's tough to go from coupled to single in such short time.  It's difficult to think of sharing myself, my story, yet one more time.  I can do it.

I still have not talked to him.  In a fit of just needing to get my feelings out, I sent him an email that addressed his "reasons" for breaking up with me.

I am sure that you are probably thinking that I am insane (at least some of you).  It's really not that crazy.  As we age, I think that we all need to be more flexible in our expectations of a partner, and really look to what the ultimate goal of a relationship is for you as an individual.  I don't need to share all of my interests with him.

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One of the things I addressed in my note to him was about sex, which even though he didn't mention it in the breakup, I think it may have played a role.  We were together for three months.  That's not enough time for me to fully relax with a guy in that manner, in fact, I never really have.  But I am finally, finally, beginning to feel the MRKH "problem" go away.

Meaning, that I know my vagina works now (thank heavens).  I don't even know how to describe this to a guy other than if he were born without a penis.  That's a difficult descriptor too, because men can see each other's.  Women don't know the normal appearance, function of others vaginas.  Really, I know that may sound crazy but its true.

So I started reading What Your Mom Never Told You About S-E-X.  For MRKH'ers of all ages who feel insecurity about their bodies, I would recommend this read.  It tells you all about anatomy, sex, pleasure, yada yada.  I think it will help.

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So I'm working on developing my friend base again.  I have friends here and there, but I would like to be a part of a group.   Thursday night I went out with a colleague for happy hour.  Friday I invited one of my neighbors over and we had some wine together.  This afternoon I went to a Meetup group.  Tonight I am meeting my parents.  I have other things that I am going to start doing including church and more Meetup groups, classes at the gym.

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Till later.

check out my other website:  www.mrkhlife.com