Dilation Desert

So I was dilating over the past few months and am now on hiatus again.  I'm feeling like I am getting more scar tissue up there so it is more painful but if I don't do it, then it will be even more painful later.

Funny thing about all of this is that I don't really have a preference about sex.  I feel like at this point in my life I could take it or leave it.  Yes, I do feel hormonal at times and somewhat animal.  Most of the time though, I just do not seem to have a large appetite for it.

I debate the reasons for that in my head.  Perhaps its because I've not been with a guy at a time in my life that I am totally comfortable.  Perhaps I am becoming too insecure about my sexual confidence to take it any further and really share with a guy what I like.  Perhaps I am just wired differently and sex really is a ho-hum proposition.  Maybe it's a combination of everything in between.

There have been times that I have been sexually active and in the moment wondering when it will be over because there are other things I would much rather be doing.  I can actually think of multiple situations like that and they are not all with the same guy.

As I think about what I want with my life, I don't know if a guy fits into it or not.  I like the companionship, but I also really don't mind being alone.  I guess the moral is that to interrupt my single happy life that it would have to be just the right person.  I guess time will only tell.  I wish I had a crystal ball to see how it all turns out.