Tuesday, February 4

Only know your lover when you let her go

So I have a confession, or a reality that I have lived over and over.

I have dated married men.

NEVER had sex with any of them.

Kissed a few.

Why has this happened so many times?

1- 2002.  He was separated from his wife and we just had a good time together.  Never anything official or really dating, but he was married.

2- 2003.  Friend of the 2002 guy.  We went clubbing a lot and just spent hours together after work.  He was fun and welcoming.  I even spent time with his wife doing the same thing in big groups.  It was just odd.

3- 2005.  Went out with this guy from grad school.  He was in his 50's, me in my 20's.  I didn't know that he liked me.  He was from South Korea and it was summer.  All of our classmates were scattered around the country.  I went out to dinner with him.  He told me he missed me.  He took me to his apartment and told me he was feeling romantic and played his guitar and sang.  On the way home, he told me that he only cheated on his wife once.  I avoided him like the plague the next school year.  I didn't want anything to do with that.

4- 2008.  This one was with a colleague at work.  We did kiss a lot and spent a lot of lunch breaks together.  We talked for hours on the phone.  He was a bit cocky but I enjoyed my time with him.  This lasted about 6 months.  He provided a recommendation for me for a job and then I think I talked to him twice after that.  I was so done and getting lots of hell about this from my neighbors.

5- 2012-13.  This is another work colleague.  I started to think I was losing it.  We spent the last year and a half mostly just chilling and talking about work stuff.  We also talked a lot about personal issues and had some chemistry.  He challenged and pushed me regularly to make a decision to encourage him to leave his wife to be with me.  I didn't feel that was my place and furthermore, I really valued the friendship overall.  My objective was not to break up his marriage.  He left his wife in January and now they are in counseling.  It's much more complicated than I would ever write out on a blog, but I feel for this family.  Really, in my heart of hearts I would love to see them back together.  I want to be friends with him, but that position is hard right now.

With this twisted set of circumstances, I think about how it relates to my MRKH and dating life.

I really have not dated anyone for the past two years.  I am afraid in some aspects of relationships, and I think that you can guess where I am least confident.

Really what I can equate this time with these married guys is safety in a relationship.  I mean, these guys are hooked up and they can't be with me.  I have my limits and can't go past them.  I don't have to have sex with these guys but I can fill part of my emotional need for intimacy.

I'm pretty tired of this situation.  Dr. Phil has this saying that drives me nuts but it is so true "How is that working for you?"

Well this situation is not working for me at all anymore.  I'm tired of it all, tired of men in general.  So I did this totally ridiculous thing, I posed a Match.com profile again.  And I am getting 4 hits on it since I posted last Friday.  I told my mom that I was washed up.  I don't get it, but at the same time the no response is confirming to me that guys are not interested, and that I am on this venture alone for now.

So I need to let it go, I need to live for me.  That's what I am trying to do.  I want to refocus my lens, move my ship, and get a move on.  It's time for me to let this part of my life go (romantic relationships) and not look back.  Maybe at some point love will strike me.  Maybe not ever.  I am happy with me and I need to get out and do those things that I have waited for a relationship to do.  Watch me go.