I promised myself to dedicate one night a week for a while to learn more about sex. I worked on reading the book I mentioned earlier. Refreshingly, I realized that I know a lot more than I thought. I have heard a lot of the material in the book before. My problem is that I don't communicate with my lovers. It's hard for me to open up and trust. I am sure that I am not the only one out there, but I really do feel alone on that one. I guess I am used to things coming easy for me; and this has definitely been a struggle for years. It's something that I don't want to be an issue anymore so I am going to make a concerted effort to remove it as an issue for me.
With that, I need to work on attracting a soulmate. I have a strong belief in the laws of attraction, and I am starting my work in that arena. My experience has been that after I finish reading one of the books on the law of attraction for soulmates, a guy comes into my life. My exboyfriend was one, and there are two guys who have come since then. I am sure that one of them is not a match for me, but the other one may have some potential. We'll see.
Oh, I commented on my last post about my mom's remark. She told me a month ago that when I was a little baby, she noticed a single drop of blood in my diaper, which she noted as strange. Her instincts tell her that this may have something to do with my MRKH--that it was some sort of a sign to her. The reproductive system was sealing it's incomplete self off. I don't know if I buy that explanation, but it was a bit touching to hear her describe that.
Later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.mrkhlife.com
Tuesday, January 17
Monday, January 16
Gynecologist Appointment
So I finally made it to the gynecologist again. It was my first time since 2004.
My excuses for not going earlier:
1. I had to change my doctors because of the health plan I had, so I carefully selected a doctor. I'm lucky because of the vast information I have about the providers since I work in healthcare. Even with that, its still hard to learn who knows what about MRKH.
2. I was in grad school so I had a hard time getting an appointment at my specialist's office because of his availability and my short visits home.
3. I had anxiety about a new gynecologist
4. I was not really sexually active (some of the time)
5. I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist
6. I was tired of explaining the condition to new doctors
7. I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist
I think you get the idea.
I felt inspired when I scheduled my appointment. My health plan sends out reminders for various health checks so in order to get rid of it (and be a good patient who 'cares' about my health), I scheduled it.
And I also had a boyfriend at the time. I was finally confident again that my made vagina was still working.
I knew that after that appointment, I could meet with him and he would just hold me. I knew emotionally it would be a hard day.
But I didn't have a boyfriend to do that by the time the appointment came.
I arrived on time to the appointment and checked in at the front counter. I sat down and launched my computer and started working, only that I was called back into the room after I got my computer booted up. I went back into the room and the MA started asking me questions about my last period and sexual activity. I told her that I had a congenital condition called mullerian agenesis. She didn't know what that was.
She asked me to change into the gown and wait for the doctor.
I didn't have to wait very long when the doctor arrived. She introduced herself, Ann, and she asked me about the congenital condition that I had. I was so thankful and relieved to find out that she studied under the specialist that I was not able to get an appointment with anymore. I wanted to sing into the heavens. I just about started crying when I told her that I was thankful that she knew about MRKH because I am so tired of explaining it. She understood. When she asked me about sexual activity, I just about cried as well because that has been such a difficult thing for me to just relax through. With my few partners, I always worry about everything working.
I was a bit relieved (and also kind of sad in a weird way) when she told me that I would never have to have a pap smear because I don't have a cervix. She did a brief digital exam and commented to me that it is amazing how far the vagina has come from nothing. She asked me during the visit if what she did hurt me in any way. I told her no, but that I was used to pain down there. After I said that, it struck me. I should not be used to pain down there. I think most women are used to pleasure in the genital area. Maybe I am wrong.
The visit itself went remarkably well. I felt like an idiot afterward for the emotions the whole thing brought about. I reassure myself that I am human and it is the way it is.
The rest of the weekend, I felt a bit scarred. I have not gotten back into the book about sex, and the thought of sex right now is not overly appealing. I'm getting better though, feeling more like me every day.
I don't have to go back to the gynecologist for three more years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next time: I'll write about the spot my mom commented on...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.mrkhlife.com
My excuses for not going earlier:
1. I had to change my doctors because of the health plan I had, so I carefully selected a doctor. I'm lucky because of the vast information I have about the providers since I work in healthcare. Even with that, its still hard to learn who knows what about MRKH.
2. I was in grad school so I had a hard time getting an appointment at my specialist's office because of his availability and my short visits home.
3. I had anxiety about a new gynecologist
4. I was not really sexually active (some of the time)
5. I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist
6. I was tired of explaining the condition to new doctors
7. I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist
I think you get the idea.
I felt inspired when I scheduled my appointment. My health plan sends out reminders for various health checks so in order to get rid of it (and be a good patient who 'cares' about my health), I scheduled it.
And I also had a boyfriend at the time. I was finally confident again that my made vagina was still working.
I knew that after that appointment, I could meet with him and he would just hold me. I knew emotionally it would be a hard day.
But I didn't have a boyfriend to do that by the time the appointment came.
I arrived on time to the appointment and checked in at the front counter. I sat down and launched my computer and started working, only that I was called back into the room after I got my computer booted up. I went back into the room and the MA started asking me questions about my last period and sexual activity. I told her that I had a congenital condition called mullerian agenesis. She didn't know what that was.
She asked me to change into the gown and wait for the doctor.
I didn't have to wait very long when the doctor arrived. She introduced herself, Ann, and she asked me about the congenital condition that I had. I was so thankful and relieved to find out that she studied under the specialist that I was not able to get an appointment with anymore. I wanted to sing into the heavens. I just about started crying when I told her that I was thankful that she knew about MRKH because I am so tired of explaining it. She understood. When she asked me about sexual activity, I just about cried as well because that has been such a difficult thing for me to just relax through. With my few partners, I always worry about everything working.
I was a bit relieved (and also kind of sad in a weird way) when she told me that I would never have to have a pap smear because I don't have a cervix. She did a brief digital exam and commented to me that it is amazing how far the vagina has come from nothing. She asked me during the visit if what she did hurt me in any way. I told her no, but that I was used to pain down there. After I said that, it struck me. I should not be used to pain down there. I think most women are used to pleasure in the genital area. Maybe I am wrong.
The visit itself went remarkably well. I felt like an idiot afterward for the emotions the whole thing brought about. I reassure myself that I am human and it is the way it is.
The rest of the weekend, I felt a bit scarred. I have not gotten back into the book about sex, and the thought of sex right now is not overly appealing. I'm getting better though, feeling more like me every day.
I don't have to go back to the gynecologist for three more years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next time: I'll write about the spot my mom commented on...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.mrkhlife.com
Tuesday, January 10
Letting Go
This morning I had a major "aha" moment. I have been listening to this book on my Kindle during my drive to work. It's called Love Will Find You: 9 Magnets to Bringing You and Your Soulmate Together by Kathryn Alice. I'm hooked on it. I've learned so much. One of the things I knew but I needed a reminder about was that there's a reason why it doesn't work out with someone: it wasn't supposed to. Furthermore, the book discusses how it is counterproductive to get into the reasons why a relationship didn't work out. We just need to let it go and say it wasn't the right relationship.
Armed with this, I am ready to call my ex again and tell him that it's okay and I would not mind hanging out with him someday. I do like a lot of things about him. I just need to be sure that I am completely over him.
The other thing the book said that I never knew was that many of us imagine former lovers as our potential soulmate when we are "looking" for that person. The reality is that in doing this, we are self-limiting. We need to be open and in order to do this, we need to let go of the past. The right person will be someone that we don't have to work to fit with, it will just happen very naturally.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of letting go of the past, I was reading The Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danzinger and it made me think of my MRKH. The rooms of your house are areas of your life where parts of you live. You can drag in stuff from other rooms/have a very untidy room and mess up other areas of your house. After reading this book, I came to the realization that my basement is full of MRKH. It really has distracted my relationship life. I'm in the process of "normalcy," accepting the challenges I have had, and moving on. It's crazy that I'm 31 and just finally feeling nearly at peace with it all. I know some girls accept it quickly and move on. It's been my personal struggle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My ex inspired me while we were dating to go to the gynecologist. I have not been to one since 2004, when I moved out of state. Its terribly emotional, and I didn't want to go to a new person. I have explained the condition to more medical providers than I care to remember. Most have displayed an attitude of "whatever, no big deal." I dislike answering the nurse questions about the period thing. My sister tells me it's good not to have it. I'll write about the new gynecologist Friday or sometime this weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.mrkhlife.com
Armed with this, I am ready to call my ex again and tell him that it's okay and I would not mind hanging out with him someday. I do like a lot of things about him. I just need to be sure that I am completely over him.
The other thing the book said that I never knew was that many of us imagine former lovers as our potential soulmate when we are "looking" for that person. The reality is that in doing this, we are self-limiting. We need to be open and in order to do this, we need to let go of the past. The right person will be someone that we don't have to work to fit with, it will just happen very naturally.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of letting go of the past, I was reading The Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danzinger and it made me think of my MRKH. The rooms of your house are areas of your life where parts of you live. You can drag in stuff from other rooms/have a very untidy room and mess up other areas of your house. After reading this book, I came to the realization that my basement is full of MRKH. It really has distracted my relationship life. I'm in the process of "normalcy," accepting the challenges I have had, and moving on. It's crazy that I'm 31 and just finally feeling nearly at peace with it all. I know some girls accept it quickly and move on. It's been my personal struggle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My ex inspired me while we were dating to go to the gynecologist. I have not been to one since 2004, when I moved out of state. Its terribly emotional, and I didn't want to go to a new person. I have explained the condition to more medical providers than I care to remember. Most have displayed an attitude of "whatever, no big deal." I dislike answering the nurse questions about the period thing. My sister tells me it's good not to have it. I'll write about the new gynecologist Friday or sometime this weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.mrkhlife.com
Sunday, January 8
New Beginnings, New Times
Okay...so maybe you're wondering how the whole single gal thing has gone. It's tough to go from coupled to single in such short time. It's difficult to think of sharing myself, my story, yet one more time. I can do it.
I still have not talked to him. In a fit of just needing to get my feelings out, I sent him an email that addressed his "reasons" for breaking up with me.
I am sure that you are probably thinking that I am insane (at least some of you). It's really not that crazy. As we age, I think that we all need to be more flexible in our expectations of a partner, and really look to what the ultimate goal of a relationship is for you as an individual. I don't need to share all of my interests with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the things I addressed in my note to him was about sex, which even though he didn't mention it in the breakup, I think it may have played a role. We were together for three months. That's not enough time for me to fully relax with a guy in that manner, in fact, I never really have. But I am finally, finally, beginning to feel the MRKH "problem" go away.
Meaning, that I know my vagina works now (thank heavens). I don't even know how to describe this to a guy other than if he were born without a penis. That's a difficult descriptor too, because men can see each other's. Women don't know the normal appearance, function of others vaginas. Really, I know that may sound crazy but its true.
So I started reading What Your Mom Never Told You About S-E-X. For MRKH'ers of all ages who feel insecurity about their bodies, I would recommend this read. It tells you all about anatomy, sex, pleasure, yada yada. I think it will help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I'm working on developing my friend base again. I have friends here and there, but I would like to be a part of a group. Thursday night I went out with a colleague for happy hour. Friday I invited one of my neighbors over and we had some wine together. This afternoon I went to a Meetup group. Tonight I am meeting my parents. I have other things that I am going to start doing including church and more Meetup groups, classes at the gym.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Till later.
check out my other website: www.mrkhlife.com
I still have not talked to him. In a fit of just needing to get my feelings out, I sent him an email that addressed his "reasons" for breaking up with me.
I am sure that you are probably thinking that I am insane (at least some of you). It's really not that crazy. As we age, I think that we all need to be more flexible in our expectations of a partner, and really look to what the ultimate goal of a relationship is for you as an individual. I don't need to share all of my interests with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the things I addressed in my note to him was about sex, which even though he didn't mention it in the breakup, I think it may have played a role. We were together for three months. That's not enough time for me to fully relax with a guy in that manner, in fact, I never really have. But I am finally, finally, beginning to feel the MRKH "problem" go away.
Meaning, that I know my vagina works now (thank heavens). I don't even know how to describe this to a guy other than if he were born without a penis. That's a difficult descriptor too, because men can see each other's. Women don't know the normal appearance, function of others vaginas. Really, I know that may sound crazy but its true.
So I started reading What Your Mom Never Told You About S-E-X. For MRKH'ers of all ages who feel insecurity about their bodies, I would recommend this read. It tells you all about anatomy, sex, pleasure, yada yada. I think it will help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I'm working on developing my friend base again. I have friends here and there, but I would like to be a part of a group. Thursday night I went out with a colleague for happy hour. Friday I invited one of my neighbors over and we had some wine together. This afternoon I went to a Meetup group. Tonight I am meeting my parents. I have other things that I am going to start doing including church and more Meetup groups, classes at the gym.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Till later.
check out my other website: www.mrkhlife.com
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