Dilation Desert

So I was dilating over the past few months and am now on hiatus again.  I'm feeling like I am getting more scar tissue up there so it is more painful but if I don't do it, then it will be even more painful later.

Funny thing about all of this is that I don't really have a preference about sex.  I feel like at this point in my life I could take it or leave it.  Yes, I do feel hormonal at times and somewhat animal.  Most of the time though, I just do not seem to have a large appetite for it.

I debate the reasons for that in my head.  Perhaps its because I've not been with a guy at a time in my life that I am totally comfortable.  Perhaps I am becoming too insecure about my sexual confidence to take it any further and really share with a guy what I like.  Perhaps I am just wired differently and sex really is a ho-hum proposition.  Maybe it's a combination of everything in between.

There have been times that I have been sexually active and in the moment wondering when it will be over because there are other things I would much rather be doing.  I can actually think of multiple situations like that and they are not all with the same guy.

As I think about what I want with my life, I don't know if a guy fits into it or not.  I like the companionship, but I also really don't mind being alone.  I guess the moral is that to interrupt my single happy life that it would have to be just the right person.  I guess time will only tell.  I wish I had a crystal ball to see how it all turns out.

Home to You

This morning as I settled into my desk and booted my computer, I was alerted with an email from my friend Jason (name changed).

Jason is an old friend from the church I grew up in.  He's an analytical type computer programmer who is as adventurous as the person he is with.  I can pull him out of his shell, but it's not necessarily easy. He and I spent time together about 10 years ago.

I remember the initiation of our friendship.  He called me one day and asked me if I wanted to go out for ice cream.  I told him that I couldn't because I was lactose intolerant.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go out for some coffee.  I told him that I didn't drink coffee.

He later told me that he just about gave up on me.  The weird part is that I don't remember what I agreed to go out with him and actually do the first time we spent time together.

Regardless, we had a hard time finding a connection, until we discovered that we both had an obsession with George Strait.

I worked at the State Psychiatric Institution then and we spent a lot of weekends with the interns who were near our age at local bars.  One of my favorite pastimes in my early 20's was to follow this band around to every bar it went to.  They did super covers.

So Jason fell for one of the interns.  He ended up staying one night at their house because he was too drunk to drive home.  He started dating Rose (name changed).  It broke his heart when she left back to her home state.  We spent some long nights talking about how he missed her. I told Jason at the time that I felt Rose was a bit immature because of the way she wanted to party, but he didn't listen to me.

Jason and I dated briefly after that.  I just knew in my heart that he was not the one for me and I was the one who ended it.  He came to my house and cried.

Within a month or so, I left the state and he was in Rose's home state, marrying her.  I really don't think that it was over a few months that they dated.

They've been married ever since, and now have a child.

Jason's email this morning was short and to the point 'You were right.  Rose couldn't handle a child and she left me.'

I hadn't talked to Jason in 10 years outside of brief church greetings.  That message crushed me.  I really thought everything was okay.

I opened the door for him to call me, but we'll have to see if that happens.  I'm not sure if he will.

I'm doubting marriage more and more as this one comes to a close and I keep encountering marriage situations that are very uncomfortable.

Tonight, I dedicate this John Michael Montgomery to him and hope that his life will straighten itself out: