Sometimes I wonder what the heck the purpose is of this life and if I am just frittering mine away.
I'd like to think that there are multiple purposes, that no one is better than another.
That there is choice in direction and value in all purposes.
Having a husband and kids does not make you whole.
That can even be more of a difficult situation.
But society values that.
Or is that just in my crazy head?
My friend M told me tonight that she is now pregnant.
I knew two years ago when I was in her wedding that was likely one of the last times I would see her.
Because married people typically don't have time or interest in single people.
That's just how it is.
I'm still challenged to find my own community.
And I need to start working on my bucket list.
Because when I die, I want to have had experiences and not regrets.
But I need to figure out how to do this stuff alone, to find someone to do the stuff with.
Who wants to go to the Grand Canyon with me?
To a Kenny Chesney concert?
To New York (yes, my sister, I know you are all over that one)?
Then there is the men that I have been chatting with on Match.com.
Oh dear, yes there are a few of them.
Most of which, I am not interested in.
Or they are not interested in me.
But when I am honest with myself, when I think about the physical relationship, I don't want it.
I don't really enjoy intercourse, perhaps jaded by the initial pain which I have had at times.
I've even found myself thinking about doing other things during sex.
I have no interest in oral sex, giving or receiving.
It just is not my thing.
I like to pleasure myself, but have not done that with a guy.
Perhaps my struggle is because I have not come to terms with my sexuality.
Or maybe I'm just not into it.
That's really where I am at.
And have been for some time.
Oh the thoughts that go through my head.
