Mommies and their Babies, Dating, Sex

Sometimes I wonder what the heck the purpose is of this life and if I am just frittering mine away.

I'd like to think that there are multiple purposes, that no one is better than another.

That there is choice in direction and value in all purposes.

Having a husband and kids does not make you whole.

That can even be more of a difficult situation.

But society values that.

Or is that just in my crazy head?

My friend M told me tonight that she is now pregnant.

I knew two years ago when I was in her wedding that was likely one of the last times I would see her.

Because married people typically don't have time or interest in single people.

That's just how it is.

I'm still challenged to find my own community.

And I need to start working on my bucket list.

Because when I die, I want to have had experiences and not regrets.

But I need to figure out how to do this stuff alone, to find someone to do the stuff with.

Who wants to go to the Grand Canyon with me?

To a Kenny Chesney concert?

To New York (yes, my sister, I know you are all over that one)?

Then there is the men that I have been chatting with on Match.com.

Oh dear, yes there are a few of them.  

Most of which, I am not interested in.

Or they are not interested in me.

But when I am honest with myself, when I think about the physical relationship, I don't want it.

I don't really enjoy intercourse, perhaps jaded by the initial pain which I have had at times.

I've even found myself thinking about doing other things during sex.

I have no interest in oral sex, giving or receiving.  

It just is not my thing.

I like to pleasure myself, but have not done that with a guy.

Perhaps my struggle is because I have not come to terms with my sexuality.

Or maybe I'm just not into it.

That's really where I am at.  

And have been for some time.

Oh the thoughts that go through my head.

Destiny is Awaiting

My grandpa passed away a year ago April 5...June 12 would have been his 93rd birthday.  He had a great life.

After he passed away I began my fascination with heaven.  I have been driven to know more about it.  It has actually been a great experience for me.  I've learned a lot and continue to as I explore it further.  My next venture into heaven is to read The Shack.

You are probably wondering now what that has to do with MRKH.

I could probably spin this in a lot of different ways here.  Talk about God's decision for my body, what MRKH means for me in heaven...

Really what I am thinking about is my work-life balance (what is my life's purpose?  I don't want to die at my desk).  I am struggling to maintain any semblance of balance right now because of my workload.  The executives keep shifting and reorganizing and it is driving me batty.

My balance right now is way off.  I am so swamped with work right now I want to bite someones head off.  My boss knows no balance.

What I find interesting is how people are able to use their spouses and kids as excuses to get out of stuff.  I seriously think that some people use them as crutches.  It makes me want to be with someone or have kids sometimes.

Maybe that would provide the balance I need.  I don't know.  I feel really stuck right now.

If I look back on my dating life, I can honestly say at this point it has been my MRKH that has kept me single in my life.  At this point, I feel ho hum about sex.  I could take it or leave it.  I hear that's not a normal reaction to sex.  I don't think that in the time I have been capable of it that it's ever been that spectacular.  I'm finding in my 30's I am able to relax easier but the overall experience is not generally something I crave.

Sometimes I think that being with someone, I would be able to balance life out a little easier.  That person would have their goals and I would have mine and we could blend them together and work toward something common.

Then there's the other side of me that's happy being the only decision maker for me.  I have this huge drive to leave the city and live in the country or in a small town.  It's not always the same dream of your partner.  I don't want to give that one up.

So I would say that my mind is in a place of limbo.  Limbo about the career that I have made and limbo about the relationship I never had and I don't think I will.

Thanks But No Thanks. That's What I Won't Do.

I'm in a strange place.

Men don't want to date me, they just want sex.

Is that because I don't meet their expectations for dating?  Do I look like a good lay?  Why can't I get a commitment (after all, they want a commitment for a sex only relationship)?  Is that what they want with a 30+ year old?  Am I used/damaged goods?

CASE A: Over a year ago, a guy that I met on Match.com and had a lot in common with announced on a phone call that he didn't want to date me.  He wasn't feeling it.  6 months later, we were at a happy hour and after that he told me basically that he would just like a physical relationship.  After that, he said that would not be fair to me (I don't know why he bothered to ponder how I may feel but he was right).  I thought about it, but really knew that I couldn't do it.  We didn't talk for another year after that.  He's pursuing me again, for yes, sex.  Now this is a strange turn of events that I really am not impressed with.

CASE B:  I met another guy when I was volunteering several years ago.  We have been in communication off and on for the past 5 years.  He contacted me after he broke up with his girlfriend and we went out a few times.  He started getting physical.  I wasn't into it and talked to him about what he wanted.  He didn't want a girlfriend, just sex.  I told him that I don't do that and I cut off all communication to him.  He contacted me again in the past month, to which I didn't respond.

CASE C:  This guy I actually had a sexual relationship with.  I knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere but I felt like it this time.  In talking to him recently, I think all he really wanted was the sex.

And on and on...

The line I dislike the most is "guys have certain needs......" What the hell?  I would say girls do too but we're not so animal about it all.

I'm sticking to my guns now and no purely sexual relationships.  It's not easy to have sex (dilation and all of the painful preparation) and I need it to be with someone that I am emotionally connected to.  I'm a woman with a conscience and a very caring person.  Sex is not free and I am a beautiful person willing to be with a super guy.

Have you encountered this much in your dating?

Right Round

You spin my head right round...

That song's playing on my Pandora music station right now.

I would say that my head is definitely spinning around right now.

I'm reading the book Middlesex right now and it's about a hermaphrodite and the development of his family that led to his sexual organs developing the way they did.  I think that those with MRKH questioning sexuality, or just exploring societal expectations of sexuality would find this book super interesting.  I found the first 25 pages hard to get into but now that I am, the book is flowing.  I feel like I relate to the main character in the book seeing all of the assumed roles in sexuality and feeling like it's so misunderstood.  I really feel that sexuality is a continuum.  There are pure heterosexuals at one end of the spectrum and at the complete other side are pure homosexuals.  A huge portion of the population falls somewhere in between those two continuums.  I feel more toward the male end of the spectrum but also find some females attractive.  I don't think we're all wired to be completely one way or the other and society in general has a difficulty with the middle ground.  The absurd part is that a lot of us are in the middle of it all.  My MRKH has caused me to question sexuality often and to be accepting of whoever anyone likes, or the community that each identifies with.

What are your thoughts?

Excitement

Happy Holidays!  It's strange how quick this time of year comes around.  I'm listening to classical Christmas piano music as I write tonight.  A lot of inside work has been going on over the past month.

First and probably foremost right now, my job is up in the air and I am looking at my options.  It's time for me to make a change but I need to stay where I am also.  My goal now is to become an entrepreneur of sorts.  I see a web based business in my future.  A variety of different ideas have been going though my head and I think that I pegged a great one that I will be developing as I hold my full time job.

I've been working on further defining what I want out of life, both career and personal.  Personally, I really do want to have a boyfriend again and I want this to be the last one.  I think it's totally possible right now.  My fantasy is that I find a super smart, chill guy who is just up for anything and has his stuff together.  On my fitness goals, I signed up for a half marathon.  It's my first ever and I am so not a runner that I am super excited about it.  This will be in May.  I'm up to 6.5 miles, but I've got a lot of work to do on that.  It's a great work distraction.

I've been on a marathon of AWKWARD. on MTV.com today.  I admire in some strange way Jenna's freedom with her sexuality.  I wish that I had that, and that I have that now.  It's really not there for me very easily.  I have to really trust before I let go and that takes lots of time.  Sometimes we all just feel AWKWARD.  

That's it for now.

MRKH at the Bar

So Wednesday night I went out with a couple of my colleagues, Jim and Tom (no those are not their real names), to a bar.  Jim is about 38ish and Tom is 50.  We had a great time just sitting around talking.  Being with guys, you know that the topic of sex is likely to come up, and it did.  They made some comments about how old they were when they had sex for the first time.  I didn't contribute to that.  I had said earlier that I don't kiss and tell.  Jim asked what my wildest college story was and I told him about this time that I ended up on three inadvertent dates within a 48 hour period (how I met T).  Jim and Tom both asked if I slept with the last one and I said no, that's not the way I am.  Jim made some comment about how many guys I had been with sexually and guessed 1.  He's pretty close.

These kind of conversations make me scream in my head...why does sex have to be such an ordeal?  Why did I make it that way then and why does MRKH get in my head so much and rule relationships?

I'm okay joking around with guys about sex because I hear that talk frequently anyway, but when it comes to myself, it's more challenging.

Jim also said something about kids to me and I said that I couldn't have them and that I was just born that way.  He seemed surprised and I think that I caught him off guard.  I just told him that I didn't have a uterus and the ovaries didn't connect to anything.  He asked if I had a period and I told him no.  My general rule of thumb is that this is ok to talk about but when it comes down (literally) to the vagina and sex, that's a place I don't discuss.  Jim made some comments about sex and how it's really overrated often and Tom stepped away to go to the bathroom.   Once Tom was gone, Jim asked me about what the situation was like, dating and not being able to have kids.  Right now honestly, the whole thing gets me a bit emotional.  I don't remember exactly what I told him but I said that it is the way it is...nothing I can do to change the situation and make it any different.

The next day, even though I didn't say anything that I wouldn't tell most people, I felt like my soul was naked.  For some reason, MRKH discussions bring that out for me.

So that's MRKH and the bar...