Gynecologist Appointment

So I finally made it to the gynecologist again.  It was my first time since 2004.

My excuses for not going earlier:
1.  I had to change my doctors because of the health plan I had, so I carefully selected a doctor.  I'm lucky because of the vast information I have about the providers since I work in healthcare.  Even with that, its still hard to learn who knows what about MRKH.
2.  I was in grad school so I had a hard time getting an appointment at my specialist's office because of his availability and my short visits home.
3.  I had anxiety about a new gynecologist
4.  I was not really sexually active (some of the time)
5.  I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist
6.  I was tired of explaining the condition to new doctors
7.  I had serious anxiety about a new gynecologist

I think you get the idea.

I felt inspired when I scheduled my appointment.  My health plan sends out reminders for various health checks so in order to get rid of it (and be a good patient who 'cares' about my health), I scheduled it.

And I also had a boyfriend at the time.  I was finally confident again that my made vagina was still working.

I knew that after that appointment, I could meet with him and he would just hold me.  I knew emotionally it would be a hard day.

But I didn't have a boyfriend to do that by the time the appointment came.

I arrived on time to the appointment and checked in at the front counter.  I sat down and launched my computer and started working, only that I was called back into the room after I got my computer booted up. I went back into the room and the MA started asking me questions about my last period and sexual activity.  I told her that I had a congenital condition called mullerian agenesis.  She didn't know what that was.

She asked me to change into the gown and wait for the doctor.

I didn't have to wait very long when the doctor arrived.  She introduced herself, Ann, and she asked me about the congenital condition that I had.  I was so thankful and relieved to find out that she studied under the specialist that I was not able to get an appointment with anymore.  I wanted to sing into the heavens.  I just about started crying when I told her that I was thankful that she knew about MRKH because I am so tired of explaining it.  She understood.  When she asked me about sexual activity, I just about cried as well because that has been such a difficult thing for me to just relax through.  With my few partners, I always worry about everything working.

I was a bit relieved (and also kind of sad in a weird way) when she told me that I would never have to have a pap smear because I don't have a cervix.  She did a brief digital exam and commented to me that it is amazing how far the vagina has come from nothing.  She asked me during the visit if what she did hurt me in any way.  I told her no, but that I was used to pain down there.  After I said that, it struck me.  I should not be used to pain down there.  I think most women are used to pleasure in the genital area.  Maybe I am wrong.

The visit itself went remarkably well.  I felt like an idiot afterward for the emotions the whole thing brought about.  I reassure myself that I am human and it is the way it is.

The rest of the weekend, I felt a bit scarred.  I have not gotten back into the book about sex, and the thought of sex right now is not overly appealing.  I'm getting better though, feeling more like me every day.

I don't have to go back to the gynecologist for three more years.

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Next time: I'll write about the spot my mom commented on...

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