Happy 2019

Hello there!

I imagine you are here to learn more about MRKH, or just find someone who has been there.

I'm here for you and I while I haven't been managing this site for some years, I have left this up and open for those who need or want the information from someone who lives this.

It's now 2019, I am happily single.  I have toyed with the idea of being in a relationship but I really just don't want that for myself anymore.  It's much easier just being me, without explanation.

I'm happy, and I hope you can find that too!

confessions

These are my confessions.

I have been avoiding this blog for a year because I have been hoping that MRKH hasn't defined my life.  I think that I am lying to myself about that one.  It has in many ways.   I'm starting to think more about my sexuality and I am feeling more intersexed than ever.  I do like men but I like women too.  I haven't dated in about 3 years.  My "sugar daddy" complicated relationship, ended this last week after 8 years.  I know that there is a reason or a purpose to all of this but I am wondering what it is.

Will I ever feel that I fit in a real relationship?

Ok, let's take this one apart a little more.

I meet someone.  We go on a date or two.  We are attracted to each other.

I have to make sure that I am dilating (we may have sex at some point), ideally long before dating because it takes a while to be stretched.

I am getting anxiety about whether or not he will fit in the vaginal space.

I am getting anxiety about telling him.

I hope he doesn't want kids.

It's time to have sex.  The moment is right.

I don't enjoy it as much as I think I should.  It's kind of boring, really.

But I enjoy the foreplay and kissing.

That is life.  It's good being alone in a lot of ways, but there are those times that I wish I could meet someone who gets it.  It may be nice to date someone who is intersex too, that may be easier.

MRKH truth.

Mommies and their Babies, Dating, Sex

Sometimes I wonder what the heck the purpose is of this life and if I am just frittering mine away.

I'd like to think that there are multiple purposes, that no one is better than another.

That there is choice in direction and value in all purposes.

Having a husband and kids does not make you whole.

That can even be more of a difficult situation.

But society values that.

Or is that just in my crazy head?

My friend M told me tonight that she is now pregnant.

I knew two years ago when I was in her wedding that was likely one of the last times I would see her.

Because married people typically don't have time or interest in single people.

That's just how it is.

I'm still challenged to find my own community.

And I need to start working on my bucket list.

Because when I die, I want to have had experiences and not regrets.

But I need to figure out how to do this stuff alone, to find someone to do the stuff with.

Who wants to go to the Grand Canyon with me?

To a Kenny Chesney concert?

To New York (yes, my sister, I know you are all over that one)?

Then there is the men that I have been chatting with on Match.com.

Oh dear, yes there are a few of them.  

Most of which, I am not interested in.

Or they are not interested in me.

But when I am honest with myself, when I think about the physical relationship, I don't want it.

I don't really enjoy intercourse, perhaps jaded by the initial pain which I have had at times.

I've even found myself thinking about doing other things during sex.

I have no interest in oral sex, giving or receiving.  

It just is not my thing.

I like to pleasure myself, but have not done that with a guy.

Perhaps my struggle is because I have not come to terms with my sexuality.

Or maybe I'm just not into it.

That's really where I am at.  

And have been for some time.

Oh the thoughts that go through my head.

Dedicated to you

I have a habit of dedicating songs to moments/places/people.  Here are a few:

To my first boyfriend, also my sister's wedding.  I asked to play this song, I even brought the CD, but the DJ only had a cassette player in 1998!

To my second boyfriend, in college.  Lots of songs remind me of him. Chicago, Air Supply, lots of cheesy stuff.

To summers on the pontoon boat on the Gorge and camping on the Snake River.  Those are my happy places when I am stressed.

My guy friend going through a divorce (first one I knew):

Last long term boyfriend (I do miss him in some ways still):

First bad affair.  This is a great song for him:

This belongs to someone too:

Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

This is a beautiful song.  Very fitting for the day and this time in my life.

The Doctors on MRKH

Neovaginas were discussed on The Doctors recently.  If you're in the market for treatment, please check it out: http://www.prweb.com/releases/2014/03/prweb11681814.htm

The Doctors episodes are great.  The girl who talks on it and shares her story is so relatable:

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Click this link  for part 3.

Only know your lover when you let her go

So I have a confession, or a reality that I have lived over and over.

I have dated married men.

NEVER had sex with any of them.

Kissed a few.

Why has this happened so many times?

1- 2002.  He was separated from his wife and we just had a good time together.  Never anything official or really dating, but he was married.

2- 2003.  Friend of the 2002 guy.  We went clubbing a lot and just spent hours together after work.  He was fun and welcoming.  I even spent time with his wife doing the same thing in big groups.  It was just odd.

3- 2005.  Went out with this guy from grad school.  He was in his 50's, me in my 20's.  I didn't know that he liked me.  He was from South Korea and it was summer.  All of our classmates were scattered around the country.  I went out to dinner with him.  He told me he missed me.  He took me to his apartment and told me he was feeling romantic and played his guitar and sang.  On the way home, he told me that he only cheated on his wife once.  I avoided him like the plague the next school year.  I didn't want anything to do with that.

4- 2008.  This one was with a colleague at work.  We did kiss a lot and spent a lot of lunch breaks together.  We talked for hours on the phone.  He was a bit cocky but I enjoyed my time with him.  This lasted about 6 months.  He provided a recommendation for me for a job and then I think I talked to him twice after that.  I was so done and getting lots of hell about this from my neighbors.

5- 2012-13.  This is another work colleague.  I started to think I was losing it.  We spent the last year and a half mostly just chilling and talking about work stuff.  We also talked a lot about personal issues and had some chemistry.  He challenged and pushed me regularly to make a decision to encourage him to leave his wife to be with me.  I didn't feel that was my place and furthermore, I really valued the friendship overall.  My objective was not to break up his marriage.  He left his wife in January and now they are in counseling.  It's much more complicated than I would ever write out on a blog, but I feel for this family.  Really, in my heart of hearts I would love to see them back together.  I want to be friends with him, but that position is hard right now.

With this twisted set of circumstances, I think about how it relates to my MRKH and dating life.

I really have not dated anyone for the past two years.  I am afraid in some aspects of relationships, and I think that you can guess where I am least confident.

Really what I can equate this time with these married guys is safety in a relationship.  I mean, these guys are hooked up and they can't be with me.  I have my limits and can't go past them.  I don't have to have sex with these guys but I can fill part of my emotional need for intimacy.

I'm pretty tired of this situation.  Dr. Phil has this saying that drives me nuts but it is so true "How is that working for you?"

Well this situation is not working for me at all anymore.  I'm tired of it all, tired of men in general.  So I did this totally ridiculous thing, I posed a Match.com profile again.  And I am getting 4 hits on it since I posted last Friday.  I told my mom that I was washed up.  I don't get it, but at the same time the no response is confirming to me that guys are not interested, and that I am on this venture alone for now.

So I need to let it go, I need to live for me.  That's what I am trying to do.  I want to refocus my lens, move my ship, and get a move on.  It's time for me to let this part of my life go (romantic relationships) and not look back.  Maybe at some point love will strike me.  Maybe not ever.  I am happy with me and I need to get out and do those things that I have waited for a relationship to do.  Watch me go.

Whoa, Science: Woman Might Be Pregnant Using Womb She Once Occupied

Tonight I was browsing the news and ran across this story about a the second womb transplant which intrigued me.

I think that the fact that we have gotten to this point where it is an option for some women is incredible.

At the same point in time, it's also very controversial.

I read through many of the comments.  Some of them are quite rude, and others encouraging.  It's interesting how this is being discussed as an ethical issue.  Is it typically an ethical issue for someone to use a surrogate?  I don't really see the difference.  It's two women who have agreed to share for the potential benefit of life.

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Jessica  •  3 hours ago Report Abuse

I'm torn on this. On one hand wow, just wow. That medically we are able to do this is amazing. And we should always expand our medical knowledge and capabilities.
But ethically I'm not so sure. And I understand wanting to have your own child, to experience pregnancy. Because I want that. But too want to be pregnant so bad that you are willing to risk being 4 months pregnant and your body rejecting the transplant and killing a healthy developing fetus. Why risk that when you can have a surrogate, As much as I want to give birth myself. I would rather someone carry my child than knowingly risk my and it's life just for the experience.

I don't think that people who can have kids understand the magnitude of not having that option, particularly when its something that a couple wants for their life.  Yes, there are a lot of kids out there that need homes, but it is not the same as your own kids.  Even guys who have dated me have said that.  There's just something unique about seeing something YOU created out of love come from you and enrich your life.  Jessica's comments above about just experiencing pregnancy is a small part of the gift of kids--that's 9 months and you have a lifetime (hopefully!) with the kids.

There are some downright insensitive remarks.  Some from women that I would expect to be more sensitive:

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Kathryn  •  3 hours ago Report Abuse

A womb transplant. I feel safe in saying I have now heard everything. I certainly hope this woman has not gone through all of this because she is only able to define herself if she is able to bear a child. Seems a waste of good science to me.

And there are some that make me laugh, like one that said that the woman could pass her uterus on to her kid and have an heirloom womb.  Here is another:

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Christina  •  2 hours 36 minutes ago Report Abuse

I'll donate my uterus to someone that needs one.... I'd do almost anything to get rid of my menstrual cycle.. I've asked my doctor if I could have a hysterectomy but they cannot do anything unless your uterus is diseased or stds... I have 2 kids do not want anymore.... :)

I have heard that before when I said that I have MRKH to a loved one.

And a very immature response to Christina from a man who needs some womanly education (note all of the thumbs down):

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Rexgold  •  1 hour 23 minutes agoThank you for reporting abuse to Yahoo Customer Care.

You should get rid of your boobs while your at it too. It's sad that a woman doesn't want her female parts. A womb makes you a woman.

That's enough on that for me.

What are your thoughts?

Disturbing Dreams

Friday night I had a dream

that I was PREGNANT.

Out of wedlock.

I felt ashamed, I didn't know what I was going to do, I didn't know what my family was going to say.

I didn't know how this was going to work out, I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids.

I just felt sheer panic inside. I didn't know what I was going to do.

Then I thought, oh yea, I could have an abortion...

Then I thought, I probably should have an abortion.

Because the baby would have nowhere to grow.

I don't remember much more--I woke up shortly thereafter.

But I still hurt about this.  The idea of the baby right now bothers me, and how close it felt, how possibly true it was...

It's still traumatizing me.

---------------------

Have you ever had this dream?

Born of a Virgin Mary

I had a baby shower in the last month for one of the assistants in my office suite.  She was expecting and struggling financially with her husband to get it all together.  For some reason, that kind of stuff really bothers me perhaps because I am a planner or perhaps because I can't ever plan for my own babies.

At the same time, I question if I really do want to have kids in my life.

I didn't go to the baby shower.  I told my assistant (she wasn't the pregnant one) that I don't do baby showers, wedding showers, or bachelorette parties.  They are not my things.  I can't handle everyone doting on someone watching them open gifts and talking about spouses or babies.  Both of those topics are not something that I want to discuss.  It's probably because even at 33, I am working through the feelings still of my perceived life perfection and my reality of imperfection.


Christmas is ramping up.  Essential to the season is the birth of Jesus, which seems to be forgotten in the rush to purchase the perfect present.  I was thinking tonight about Mary being a virgin when she became pregnant with Jesus.  What a gift.

Jacqui Beck: Published MRKH Experience

I just read the Huffington Post's article about Jacqui Beck and am glad to hear MRKH getting more press.  There have been articles out there about women with it several times per year now.  I think some of that started with the beauty queen Miss Michigan, Jaclyn's story.  It does bother me that the MRKH aspects are so sensationalized.  Honestly, reading those stories does make me feel like a freak of nature but 1 in 5000 is not that rare.

It still floors me when I hear about how we in society define what a woman is and what she does.  Does it make you a woman because you like to shop?  have long hair?  put on makeup? clean?  get married?  have kids?  a period?  vagina?  There are so many characteristics of many women but there really isn't a box that you can shove a whole gender into.

I will maintain that sexuality (feelings and actual physical development) is a spectrum.  There are men and women and all shades in between.  It is just the way it is.  It's the beauty of nature.  We need to accept people wherever they are at.

I really hope that Jacqui comes to a comfortable place with her diagnosis, that she seeks treatment IF she wants it, and that she goes on and has a fulfilling happy life.  

Naked Mirrors and Dilation Again (does it ever stop?)

So I am in the bath sitting there looking at my naked belly and there's this weird thing that you know how you look down on your body and it looks larger than it is.  The "rolls" looked massive to me and I am thinking how did I get to this and why won't it just go away?  I agree with myself to spend a few minutes in the mirror before I get dressed.  I pulled the wardrobe mirror out of my guest bedroom, propped it down on the floor against the wall outside the bathroom (I'm too lazy to close the blinds, I'd rather take down the mirror!).

My reaction is more pleasant this time.  I am not as large as I perceive in the bath.  That makes me feel better because for me in my job, I need to be in good physical shape.  Unfortunately, my job is very stressful and has caused a 7 lb weight gain over the last year.  I work out most days and I've been pretty smitten with running right now.  Five miles at a time is my workout of choice.

I'm thinking about what I want for my future and I do think that I want to be in a relationship eventually here but right now I have too many things in the air to fully give it the appropriate attention.  Regardless, I want to be dilated and not have to think about that.  It's just one more thing that haunts me when I start dating.  It's not the drive to have sex, it's not having the option to do it very comfortably that's most disturbing.  I do tend to explain the MRKH stuff before sex and I am very slow to move to that level of physicality.

Britney Spears "Work Bitch" is the song for tonight.  My neighbor tells me that it reminds him of me, the words, not Britney.

Lady in Red

Ever since 1998, I have had a weird obsession and fantasy with the song Lady In Red by Chris DeBurgh.

There's something so simple about this song.  The man in the song is so attached to the lady in red.  It's so romantic and seems so pure.  I can just see this guy looking at the woman with longing eyes and a sweetness that totally melts her.  She's absolutely elegant and I hope that she's aware of the beauty she has inside and outside.

This is the kind of song that I can play over and over and not get tired of it.  I think that I used to believe this kind of love and adoration really existed from a man.  I began to doubt it in my later 20's as I began to find that men only wanted to be around me for sex (of which I had no clue why they had that impression as I was a virgin for most of my 20's).

Today is a new day.  I've seen enough and I am going to find that love really does exist.  I'm opening my mind and heart to it again.  I will find a man that loves all of me, and has patience and respect for the MRKH.  It won't matter.  Love is coming my way and I want to be the lady in red.

Dilation Fascination

I've been looking over the statistics of what people are reading on my blog and the bulk of the searches are for dilation.

I want to reach out to you and let you know that I am happy to share any information/answer any questions with my experiences on dilation.

Feel free to write in a comment (you can do it anonymously), or pop me an email at mrkhlife@gmail.com

I'm here for you.  I am  you.  We share this experience together.

http://www.mrkhlife.blogspot.com/p/dilate-painlessly.html

http://www.mrkhlife.blogspot.com/2011/01/dilation-treatment.html

http://www.mrkhlife.blogspot.com/2013/04/lidocaine.html

A Message From Your Guardian Angel

For YOU.

With Love,

Your Angels

Destiny is Awaiting

My grandpa passed away a year ago April 5...June 12 would have been his 93rd birthday.  He had a great life.

After he passed away I began my fascination with heaven.  I have been driven to know more about it.  It has actually been a great experience for me.  I've learned a lot and continue to as I explore it further.  My next venture into heaven is to read The Shack.

You are probably wondering now what that has to do with MRKH.

I could probably spin this in a lot of different ways here.  Talk about God's decision for my body, what MRKH means for me in heaven...

Really what I am thinking about is my work-life balance (what is my life's purpose?  I don't want to die at my desk).  I am struggling to maintain any semblance of balance right now because of my workload.  The executives keep shifting and reorganizing and it is driving me batty.

My balance right now is way off.  I am so swamped with work right now I want to bite someones head off.  My boss knows no balance.

What I find interesting is how people are able to use their spouses and kids as excuses to get out of stuff.  I seriously think that some people use them as crutches.  It makes me want to be with someone or have kids sometimes.

Maybe that would provide the balance I need.  I don't know.  I feel really stuck right now.

If I look back on my dating life, I can honestly say at this point it has been my MRKH that has kept me single in my life.  At this point, I feel ho hum about sex.  I could take it or leave it.  I hear that's not a normal reaction to sex.  I don't think that in the time I have been capable of it that it's ever been that spectacular.  I'm finding in my 30's I am able to relax easier but the overall experience is not generally something I crave.

Sometimes I think that being with someone, I would be able to balance life out a little easier.  That person would have their goals and I would have mine and we could blend them together and work toward something common.

Then there's the other side of me that's happy being the only decision maker for me.  I have this huge drive to leave the city and live in the country or in a small town.  It's not always the same dream of your partner.  I don't want to give that one up.

So I would say that my mind is in a place of limbo.  Limbo about the career that I have made and limbo about the relationship I never had and I don't think I will.

Thanks But No Thanks. That's What I Won't Do.

I'm in a strange place.

Men don't want to date me, they just want sex.

Is that because I don't meet their expectations for dating?  Do I look like a good lay?  Why can't I get a commitment (after all, they want a commitment for a sex only relationship)?  Is that what they want with a 30+ year old?  Am I used/damaged goods?

CASE A: Over a year ago, a guy that I met on Match.com and had a lot in common with announced on a phone call that he didn't want to date me.  He wasn't feeling it.  6 months later, we were at a happy hour and after that he told me basically that he would just like a physical relationship.  After that, he said that would not be fair to me (I don't know why he bothered to ponder how I may feel but he was right).  I thought about it, but really knew that I couldn't do it.  We didn't talk for another year after that.  He's pursuing me again, for yes, sex.  Now this is a strange turn of events that I really am not impressed with.

CASE B:  I met another guy when I was volunteering several years ago.  We have been in communication off and on for the past 5 years.  He contacted me after he broke up with his girlfriend and we went out a few times.  He started getting physical.  I wasn't into it and talked to him about what he wanted.  He didn't want a girlfriend, just sex.  I told him that I don't do that and I cut off all communication to him.  He contacted me again in the past month, to which I didn't respond.

CASE C:  This guy I actually had a sexual relationship with.  I knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere but I felt like it this time.  In talking to him recently, I think all he really wanted was the sex.

And on and on...

The line I dislike the most is "guys have certain needs......" What the hell?  I would say girls do too but we're not so animal about it all.

I'm sticking to my guns now and no purely sexual relationships.  It's not easy to have sex (dilation and all of the painful preparation) and I need it to be with someone that I am emotionally connected to.  I'm a woman with a conscience and a very caring person.  Sex is not free and I am a beautiful person willing to be with a super guy.

Have you encountered this much in your dating?

Dilation Desert

So I was dilating over the past few months and am now on hiatus again.  I'm feeling like I am getting more scar tissue up there so it is more painful but if I don't do it, then it will be even more painful later.

Funny thing about all of this is that I don't really have a preference about sex.  I feel like at this point in my life I could take it or leave it.  Yes, I do feel hormonal at times and somewhat animal.  Most of the time though, I just do not seem to have a large appetite for it.

I debate the reasons for that in my head.  Perhaps its because I've not been with a guy at a time in my life that I am totally comfortable.  Perhaps I am becoming too insecure about my sexual confidence to take it any further and really share with a guy what I like.  Perhaps I am just wired differently and sex really is a ho-hum proposition.  Maybe it's a combination of everything in between.

There have been times that I have been sexually active and in the moment wondering when it will be over because there are other things I would much rather be doing.  I can actually think of multiple situations like that and they are not all with the same guy.

As I think about what I want with my life, I don't know if a guy fits into it or not.  I like the companionship, but I also really don't mind being alone.  I guess the moral is that to interrupt my single happy life that it would have to be just the right person.  I guess time will only tell.  I wish I had a crystal ball to see how it all turns out.

Home to You

This morning as I settled into my desk and booted my computer, I was alerted with an email from my friend Jason (name changed).

Jason is an old friend from the church I grew up in.  He's an analytical type computer programmer who is as adventurous as the person he is with.  I can pull him out of his shell, but it's not necessarily easy. He and I spent time together about 10 years ago.

I remember the initiation of our friendship.  He called me one day and asked me if I wanted to go out for ice cream.  I told him that I couldn't because I was lactose intolerant.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go out for some coffee.  I told him that I didn't drink coffee.

He later told me that he just about gave up on me.  The weird part is that I don't remember what I agreed to go out with him and actually do the first time we spent time together.

Regardless, we had a hard time finding a connection, until we discovered that we both had an obsession with George Strait.

I worked at the State Psychiatric Institution then and we spent a lot of weekends with the interns who were near our age at local bars.  One of my favorite pastimes in my early 20's was to follow this band around to every bar it went to.  They did super covers.

So Jason fell for one of the interns.  He ended up staying one night at their house because he was too drunk to drive home.  He started dating Rose (name changed).  It broke his heart when she left back to her home state.  We spent some long nights talking about how he missed her. I told Jason at the time that I felt Rose was a bit immature because of the way she wanted to party, but he didn't listen to me.

Jason and I dated briefly after that.  I just knew in my heart that he was not the one for me and I was the one who ended it.  He came to my house and cried.

Within a month or so, I left the state and he was in Rose's home state, marrying her.  I really don't think that it was over a few months that they dated.

They've been married ever since, and now have a child.

Jason's email this morning was short and to the point 'You were right.  Rose couldn't handle a child and she left me.'

I hadn't talked to Jason in 10 years outside of brief church greetings.  That message crushed me.  I really thought everything was okay.

I opened the door for him to call me, but we'll have to see if that happens.  I'm not sure if he will.

I'm doubting marriage more and more as this one comes to a close and I keep encountering marriage situations that are very uncomfortable.

Tonight, I dedicate this John Michael Montgomery to him and hope that his life will straighten itself out:

Lidocaine

I've learned another trick for dilation that I wanted to share with you.  My doctor prescribed lidocaine because I have had painful sex, usually upon insertion.  This only started happening with my last boyfriend and it was really painful for the first few minutes.  I know he felt bad about the pain.  Once inserted and a little rhythm going, it stopped.

When I went to the doctor for my checkup last year, she prescribed me the lidocaine.  She told me to put it at the opening and use it for that initial insertion.  The numbing nature of this made me think about the guy, and I would think that the guy should probably be wearing a condom when using this (so he doesn't get numb).

I haven't used the lidocaine for sex, but I am using it for dilation.  Insertion of dilation, depending on the angle, can be very painful as well.  I have been putting the lidocaine around the edges of my vagina, then using my vibrator dilator covered in Astroglide for the dilation.

If you have any pain, this may be a solution that works for you too.